...since Playboy's inception, Playboy has established a known custom and practice (and an expectation with and among the public) that any woman whose photograph is featured on the cover appears in a nude or semi-nude pictorial in that month's issue. In featuring Ms. Alba's photograph on the cover of Playboy's March Issue, it is clear that Playboy's intent was to create a false belief and/or expectation among the public that Ms. Alba voluntarily appeared in the nude or semi-nude and that a revealing pictorial of her is contained in Playboy's March Issue. Also, Playboy is old sealed in plastic whereby the public cannot view the actual contents of the magazine absent purchasing the magazine, and, therefore, must rely on Playboy's actual or implied advertising as to the contents of the magazine as presented by the magazine's cover. Consistent with Playboy's practice of displaying a "bunny" watermark logo on its cover girls (who appear nude within the magazine), Playboy has placed the "bunny" logo on the lower right breast of Ms. Alba on the bikini top in the subject photo, thereby altering said photograph and undertaking a blatant and egregious affirmative action to cause the general public to conclude that Ms. Alba had consented to this use and appears nude within the magazine.

We'd like to thank Alba's counsel for pointing out the very subtle bunny watermark hiding on Alba's breast, which we definitely missed upon our first viewing, and which you can see if you click the above image. And for those who might have bought the issue and been disappointed by the lack of Alba-related skin, there are probably enough mentions of "Alba," "nude," and "semi-nude" from which to derive enough jollies to justify your purchase.

• Alba Threatens Playboy Over Cover Pic [The Smoking Gun]

• The World Laughs At Jude Law’s Nanny-Poking Stick [Defamer]

The good news:

What turns us on is not perfect images of supersize beefcake, oiled and ready to please. What works for us is intimacy, or the illusion thereof. And that's the illusion these photos bring, precisely because it's a shot no one would ever pose for — Jude Law, sans fluffer. It jibes with the most precious images from our most private memories, not only just before, but just after. In other words, those pictures are hot because when we look at them, we're not thinking of Jude Law, we're thinking of you: Our husbands, our boyfriends, not the strangers but the men we've known.

If there's anything we'd like to avoid intellectualizing, it is Jude Law's schlong. Why can't we all share a nice laugh over the pictures, and allow ourselves us to feel slightly better about our own terribly unfabulous lives, if just for a cheap moment, by imagining that maybe, just maybe, we live in a world in which a man with riches, fame, looks so good he turns us gay for 10 seconds each time we gaze into his eyes, a hot actress girlfriend, and a horny child care provider with loose morals, has not also been blessed with twelve rigid inches of nanny-punishing manhood? We liked the world so much better yesterday, before all the thinking.

• Jude the not so obscure [Salon, sub. or ad-watching reg'd.]
• In Defense Of Jude Law’s Penis [Defamer]
• The World Laughs At Jude Law’s Nanny-Poking Stick [Defamer]

· "FYI- Jude appeared in a Broadway play with Kathleen Turner called INDISCRETIONS. There was a rather long scene in which he appeared on stage fully nude. While perhaps people are correct in saying he is no Tommy Lee (who is?) he certainly has nothing to be ashamed of. He is very well-endowed. I think the picture just caught him at a bad angle. The camera can lie, but a fifth row orchestra seat can't."

· "I saw the unexpurgated pic of Jude bent forward, nude. Just got out of the shower, dropped my hairbrush on the floor, and halfway back up stopped and saw that my substantial package was as wee as a boy's. When you bend forward, the package draws up — try it in front of a mirror! It's pure hydraulics. That said, we need to GIVE JUDE ANOTHER CHANCE."

Other theories yet to be discussed: Law tucked some of "it" between his legs before pulling on his swimsuit, or that the photographed scene actually depicts Law in the act of checking his pants pockets for a couple of misplaced inches.

Excuse us while we go wash our brain in a tub full of boiling bleach while daydreaming about preseason football.

UPDATE: We can't believe we forgot about "evidence" from our own archive. We must've suppressed those memories.

• The World Laughs At Jude Law’s Nanny-Poking Stick [Defamer]

In snapshots that recall George Costanza's infamous "shrinkage" episode on "Seinfeld," the love-rat actor's meager manhood is on full display as he changes into a swimsuit outside his mother Maggie Law's house in Vaudelnay, France.

"He's no Tommy Lee, that's for sure," sighed one unimpressed publicist who viewed copies of the paparazzi pix obtained by PAGE SIX.

Law's rep, Simon Halls, declined to discuss his client's apparently puny package, telling us: "Oh, please! The guy is on vacation in France with his kids. People need to give him a little bit of a break."

Couldn't the flack at least have offered something in a, "Come on! Jude's a grower, not a show-er!"? Instead we now have a new, delightfully non-sequitur excuse for disappointing people unlucky enough to see us naked: "Whatever! I'm vacationing in France with the kids!"

Oh, and if you want to see the pics, they're here (nsfw). We're not letting the little guy dangle around here.

• NUDE JUDE'S NOT A HUGE ISSUE [NY Post]

[Ed.note—We were so much more excited about these before the Great Broadband Outage of August 16th. Now? Eh.]

• NSFW! unknown rare demi moore nude pictures [Sexnfun.net via Fleshbot]
• The Always Classy Michelle Rodriguez [A Socialite's Life]