Boomp3.com

Popular actress Lindsay Lohan stopped by a Los Angeles area gas station to pick up what she considers to be her life force: candy! The star of such films as I Know Who Killed Me and Just My Luck purchased the min mart’s entire stock of Sprees, Sour Patch Kids, and a few bottles of Nesquik chocolate milk. Lohan hoped her restocking mission would keep her going through at least Wednesday afternoon.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Bosom buddies Lindsay “Flame702” Lohan and Samantha “Rizzo” Ronson made a triumphant and safe return home to Los Angeles early on Thursday morning. The terrific twosome rushed home to host a Vice Presidential debate party, one in which they fully intend to boo and yell, “What a dummy!” whenever Palin answers a question. Ronson said, “Palin... Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.” And after the debate, the fantastic twosome intends to shout “Manny” while the Dodgers/Cubs game is on.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Basking in the radiant glow of the Mexican sun, gal pals Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson enjoyed some popsicles while on vacation. Ronson had to instruct Lohan on the proper way to enjoy the frozen treat; it had been a long time since the Herbie: Fully Loaded star had enjoyed one. Although, Lohan picked up the proper technique in no time and was going to town on that popsicle like a pro. A near by guest relations’ assistant nearly passed out from what he called, ‘the awesomeness of that boner party,’ but expressed a fear of the toned twosome being stung by the rogue jellyfish in the middle of the beach.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Though she’s only been out of rehab for a year, insiders are claiming that “Lindsay's been drinking, doing cocaine and causing all-around mayhem for the past few months…. She quit going to Alcoholics Anonymous and has absolutely never taken recovery seriously. She's gotten progressively worse, and everyone in her life is really scared." Even worse, she showed up at the VMA’s with red scratches all over her arm, leading people to fear she’s started cutting herself again. If you’ll recall, the last time she did that was back in 2006 when she claimed she’d hit “rock bottom.”

Of course, Lindsay’s MySpace blog tells a different story. In an entry dated September 19th, the starlet writes (without using capital letters, just like e.e. cummings):

“my publicist emailed me today saying that star magazine is going to publish another ridiculous story about me- then again it’s not like their track record is up there with the new york times. if anything they printed was true, i’d be married, pregnant with mark ronson’s child and hanging with my sister and her ‘fake’ boobs all this while being dead due to an overdose… wow! according to them i am one busy girl, even more so i am one busy dead girl!!!!"

Hmm. So who are we to believe here, Lindsay herself or a tabloid magazine? At this point, it’s hard to say. Whatever the case, I’m just glad Lindsay has such a supportive family environment to fall back on in times of trouble. Oh wait…

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Lindsay Lohan Relapse:Booze, Coke & Cutting [Star Magazine]
• have a good weekend!!! [MySpace]

Asked, "You and Samantha have been going out for how long now?" Lohan giggled and demurred, but Stryker pressed on. "Like two years?" he asked. "One year? Five months? Two months?" Finally, Lohan allowed, "A very long time." The MySpace pundit then accepted compliments on her relationship, eventually signing off in a bit of Italian that stumps the hosts (is that how lesbians talk?). Our congratulations go out to the newly confirmed couple. Stryker, you'd better prepare for tonight's inevitable Michael Lohan call-in. [Loveline]

Boomp3.com

On her way to the Ugly Betty premiere party, Lindsay Lohan threw up a preemptive elbow to ward off any unruly and pushy photographers. Lohan said, “I didn’t want to use my bag the other night and I don’t want to use this tonight. I haven’t used any lotion in a few days on purpose, and now my elbow is rough like sand paper.” The political blogger hoped that she could reach a peace accord with the photographers, but only time will tell. Lohan said, “I sincerely hope we can be cool with each other, just like a bunch of Fonzies.”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe? [...]

I feel it's necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.

Women have come a long way in the fight to have the choice over what we do with our bodies... And its frightening to see that a woman in 2008 would negate all of that.

Oh, and...Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!

And in the words of Pamela Anderson, "She can suck it"..

"Hint Hint Pali Pal"! And with that — the folding-over of tabloid darlings new and old into one head-exploding feminist slogan — the postmodern circle of political life came within inches of closing early Sunday. There was clearly still work for Lindsay to do in order to knock Palin off the top of the tabs, and it didn't take long:

Lilo was heading into The Bowery Hotel in NYC Sunday night [...] when she tripped over a metal barricade that had been set up. According to our guy on the scene, Lindsay must have thought one of the paps tripped her because she turned around and punched a photog in the nose!

She was on the phone at the time and, after the punch, told whoever she was talking to, "Oh my God, I just hit a paparazzi."

We knew these bloodthirsty ladies had more in common than they probably thought — enough, even, for Lohan to potentially usurp Tina Fey's ownership of her Palin role in the forthcoming movie of the week. The Daily News has more suggestions where that came from, for what they're worth. We have our winner, as far as we're concerned.

• UH OH! [MySpace]

• Pap to Lilo: I Know Who Punched Me [TMZ]

It'S once nude, twice shy for Lindsay Lohan. The Sapphic-leaning star has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page topless spread in Playboy's 55th-anniversary issue this January. "If there's nudity, then the answer's no . . . She's not going down the [New York] magazine road again," Lohan's rep told Playboy's creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay's naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to '60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film "Kitten With a Whip," which is one of Lohan's faves.

Only $700,000, Playboy? While we know that Lohan's film quote has dropped precipitously in the past few years, she's now become one of Myspace's premiere intellectuals, and a classy blogger like Lohan can't be expected to doff her top for a measly 700k. Make it $1.5 — and throw in some Dixie Cups — and you'll be in business.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• LINDSAY LO-DOWN [NY Post]

On the other hand, now we aren't sure we really wanted the Ronson profile in the new issue of Angeleno Magazine to answer that last question:

She began working a majority of the nights each week for club owners who, she admits, were at least as interested in hiring her for her enviably loyal social circle as for her facility with her Technics. ... “Basically, they didn’t care if I was a good DJ,” she’s admitted. “They just wanted my friends at their club.” ...

All of which has, during the last few years, inexorably led to her current pole position in L.A.’s velvet-rope after-dark scene via high-profile residencies and one-offs at, among others, Area, Hyde, Goa and Teddy’s, where gigs typically bring in between one and two grand per night, as well as a slew of increasingly remunerative corporate-sponsored private parties (paying upwards of $10,000 a gig) for the likes of BCBG, PlayStation and Verizon.

“The response was off the charts; we got tons of press,” one East Coast club investor, Randy Greenstein, recently said of a series of back-to-back special event gigs he secured in late July. “We got very lucky that Lindsay came with her. We booked her two months ago, right before the news broke that they were sort of together, and even then there were nine other offers for her for the same date.”

"Lucky"? Maybe so. What you see is in fact what you get — a "cross-your-fingers gamble" for promoters and sponsors who bank on the Lohan sighting that will put their events over the top. And if they split? We're confident Ronson should make do either way; Semel seems to have bounced back with screeching resiliency following her own Lohan daliiance. And at least she'll never face Jodie Foster's steep predicament. Or will she? Anyway, sorry. We'll lay down our magnifying glass now.

• HItting Pay Flirt [Angeleno]

I've been watching the news all morning, like everyone else - and i keep hearing about the issues related to 'teen pregnancy'- It's all related to Sarah Palin and her 17 year old unmarried pregnant daughter. Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. Its distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.

I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter's pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them-if elected. I get Sarah Palin's views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what.

Maybe focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like Joe Biden.

...On another note-the last note- i heard a woman say on TODAY on NBC that teens are feeling as if they have to grow up faster. Really? Because, i think that girls that are CHOOSING to be sexually active and are making a conscious decision to grow up faster..... I think that parents need to recognize how important it is to talk to their children about the things that can result from being sexually active if they aren't protecting themselves (birth control, condoms, etc.)

In the wake of her well-written rebuttal to her father, has Linday Lohan finally found a steady calling as a blogger? Her intermittent acting gigs may pay the bills, but we think that it's as an internet diarist (albeit one measured by the short stick of Myspace celebrity blogs) that Lohan reveals herself to be more than adequite.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Political Blog [Myspace]

Boomp3.com

Popular actress Lindsay Lohan managed to talk her constant companion, Samantha Ronson, out of an ice cream truck related existential crisis on Labor Day. Ronson bemoaned the fact that the Ice Cream Man did not have a photo of her favorite treat, a Bomb Pop, on his van. Lohan told Ronson to just ask the guy if he has any bomb pops. Ronson replied back, "If there isn't a sticker, then he doesn't have it. That's the code of the Ice Cream Man. A simple — but honest — code." Lohan thought that was the dumbest thing she had ever heard and walked over to the Ice Cream Man while Sam sulked, kicking the concrete below her Chuck Taylors.

Moments later, Lohan returned with two Bomb Pops in her hands. A large smile crept over Ronson's face and attempting to hold back her tears, Ronson said, "Oh, Lindsay, you're the bomb! I just can't believe that the Ice Cream Man violated the code. Is nothing sacred anymore?"

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Katy Perry is apparently working on finding a female celeb to kiss during this year's live telecast of the awards show on Sept. 7.

Who does MTV want to match her up with?

Lindsay Lohan!

"Producers are really working hard on it," a source exclusively reveals to me. "They'd love it to be Lindsay, and they're actually going to ask."

And, should the "gone gay" Lohan demur, who else can producers hope to pair with Perry (a latter-day Jane Child, who, it must be noted, has never actually kissed a girl)? Why, how about Scarlett Johansson, whose infamous Vicky Cristina Barcelona kiss with Penelope Cruz has already sparked a cottage industry of salacious blog entries and website promotions? Sure, she's a little busy with Obama right now, but can Scar-Jo really deny the public — and Kanye — what they want?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Wanted: Female Celebrity to Kiss Katy Perry! [E!]

Boomp3.com

On the set of the popular ABC series Ugly Betty, Lindsay Lohan ushered in the next big fad in celebrity fashion: cheerleader outfits. Taking a page out of Heroes star Hayden Panettiere's playbook, Lohan ordered the uniform online and it has been a perfect fit ever since. Lohan said, "People are always on my case about my leggings or not wearing a bra. With this uniform, who's going to bust my shit? It's wholesome. It reminds everybody how awesome their high school experience was. And if you're bored at work, you can cut out my photo and turn me into your fantasy football team's mascot." Lohan explained that she did not want to be any one's scapegoat if their fantasy team lays an egg this season. Lohan added, "It's not my fault that you went with Reggie Bush instead of someone dependable like a Marion Barber."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it...

I'm not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on...

I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

Wait, who is this woman and what has she done with Lindsay Lohan? Has the sometime-actress really gained such a clear perspective on fame and her own relationship to it? Perhaps she's settling down after all — in which case, she'll take no schadenfreude in the fact that Hilary Duff's father was just thrown in jail for refusing to pay his half of Hilary's upcoming 21st birthday. Says People:

As deputies handcuffed her ex, Susan Duff gasped and, according to a report in the Houston Chronicle, said, "This isn't what I wanted."

What did she want? The star's mom was demanding $25,000 to fund a party and gift for Hilary's 21st birthday on Sept. 28.

"I know he's a millionaire, and he's got the funds," Susan testified earlier. She added that Hilary was "emotionally upset by the abandonment of her father." (Ultimately the judge ruled that Bob had to hand over $12,500 for the bash.)

Couple these developments with the recent abuse arrest of Hayden Panettiere's father, then add a dash of general unseemliness from Jessica Simpson's manager/father Joe, and you may wonder: is there any young starlet in Hollywood who actually has a dad she can depend on? To the new guard of Demi, Selena, and the rest, we issue this stern warning: if your fathers are currently shopping at Kitson and getting age-inappropriate dye jobs at Warren Tricomi, you'd best nip it in the bud right away. Your 21st birthday might seem like a great time to emancipate yourself, but that sort of celebrity dad will never emancipate himself from your purse strings.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Lindsay Lohan Slams Dad for Dissing Sam Ronson [Us]
• Hilary Duff's Dad Jailed for 10 Days [People]

But her recent detention in Vegas after a drunken, assaultive visit to Caesar's Palace is what really compelled our consideration here: Who is this Hebrew hellcat, anyway? After the jump, learn everything worth knowing about Semel's climb to sort-of fame.

I. KNOW YOUR SEMELS

Courtenay, 28, is one of three daughters born to billionaire ex-Warner Bros/Yahoo! chief Terry Semel and Jane Bovingdon Semel, a former secretary to Susan George. She attended the Loomis Chaffee School in Windsor, Conn., before abandoning education for... we don't know. This is a historical gap we have yet to fill in; suggestions are welcome.

Regardless, she's clearly been doing some philosophizing over the decades, culminating in the powerful declaration of principles held forth below:

II. KNOW HER CANON

Courtenay got her start in 1991, portraying the crucial role of "Bratty Kid" in the Bruce Willis flop Hudson Hawk. Her 2000 follow-up — the never-released indie thriller Sweetie Pie — is best known for a cast also including Paris Hilton, Whitestarr vocalist Cisco Adler and the offspring of Dustin Hoffman and Kelsey Grammer.

Her "break" (and all of ours, really, if we're being honest) came when she was cast alongside childhood friend Kourtney Kardashian, George Foreman III, Fabian Basabe, Brittny Gastineau, Shanna Ferrigno and other nepotism all-stars on the 2005 E! series Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. The show featured Courtenay and Co. skipping the boilerplate South Beach coke getaways for a bit of reality-TV ranch-handery. Sadly, due in part to reasons listed below, it was not renewed for a second season.

III. KNOW HER ACCOLADES

Courtenay's otherworldly bitchy contribution to FR:CD was roundly commended by critics who cited her distinctive look ("like an overfed mutant chipmunk") and her performance as a "brattier, PMS’ing version of Haley Joel Osmond [sic]" — outmaneuvering even Basabe as the worst human being the show had to offer. Word is her father was happy with the performance in Hudson Hawk as well, but as of press time he has not responded to Defamer's requests for official comment.

IV. KNOW HER STYLE

Spoiled lipstick-lesbian chic, at once aggressively designed and thoroughly disposable — all spangles, trash, heels and hair.

V. KNOW HER LOVE LIFE

This is where it gets complicated. Courtenay has been very publicly attached to no fewer than three young women of varying celebrity since 2007, starting somewhat retroactively last winter with Lindsay Lohan. "Everyone thinks Samantha [Ronson] is Lindsay’s first lesbian love, but we were very passionate until her fear of being found out drove us apart," she was quoted as saying. "At the time she was terrified her career would be over if she revealed her sexual tendencies. But then Samantha came on to the scene and I was dropped.” That triangle was fleshed out a little more this week by our cousins at Gawker, who noted that Courtenay and Ronson both visited LiLo separately during her rehab residency.

Next came Johnson and Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, who made the gossip rounds last month after a canoodling binge with Courtney. Enter Tila Tequila, who showed up maybe a week ago? A couple weeks ago? Anyway, now they've found true love, as evidenced by the scorching red-carpet chemistry below:

Surely she must also have been some poor bastard's beard somewhere along the way; as always, your tips are welcome!

VI. KNOW HER EMPIRE

You mean besides her father's 10-figure net worth, divided four ways sometime in the next 15 to 20 years? Not so much. We guess she can always lobby for a Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive — The Complete Series DVD Box Set, even though Basabe probably has a 75/25 split written into his deal. He thinks of everything.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Has been a Kardashian family BFF since the age of 2.

· Intimate public displays of affection with Tila Tequila range from kissing to spoon-feeding ice cream in VIP areas.

· Reportedly drove off from this year's VH1 Rock Honors with Casey Johnson in a $160,000 Mercedes that wasn't theirs. They returned it a few minutes later.

Did we miss something? Chime in below — we're nothing without you.

[Photo Credits: Getty Images]

Boomp3.com

Fedora fanatic Samantha Ronson performed her best Al Bundy impression as she tagged along with good friend Lindsay Lohan on yet another shopping trip. Ronson was quick to specify that their shopping trip would not involve any more attempts to make her appear more "girly." As she reflected upon the failure of her recent makeover, Lohan released a disappointed sigh. Lohan said, "I tried. I really did. But it's like they say, you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Ronson quickly quipped back, "Why change horses midstream?" The twosome began to trade old proverbs and quotes from Benjamin Franklin for over ten minutes before they reached a compromise and planned a trip to go sneaker shopping on Fairfax Ave.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Sporting crisp white jeans and a v-neck shirt, Samantha Ronson took her invisible pitbull on a walk in Larchmont with gal pal Lindsay Lohan. Lohan appeared to be extremely receptive, nearly beaming with pride over Ronson's mini-makeover from black jeans and rock tees. Lohan said, "The summer is over in a couple of weeks, but it's great to see Sammy finally embrace it. And she's also ready for the fall with the cute flannel." Lohan did not want to get her hopes up, but she believed that this is a step in the right direction for Ronson and that a shopping trip to Hollister is probably in their near future.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Still, the lesbian goddess giveth with one hand while she takes away with the other, for no sooner did the two marry than details of a sapphic Hollywood breakup emerged involving the famously "gone gay" Lindsay Lohan.

According to News of the World, Lohan's assignation with Samantha Ronson isn't her first walk on the same-sex side. In fact, they quote an anonymous source that fills the tabloid in on all the steamy details that surrounded Lohan's relationship with Courtenay Semel (daughter of ex-WB topper Terry Semel).

“From the start Lindsay was very confused about her feelings for Courtenay so did more and more drugs to stifle the sexual attraction she was experiencing.

“But eventually she just gave in and at every party they’d kiss and touch each other in the corner. It’s a miracle nobody found out.

“Both of them would do lines of cocaine in the toilets then head home and fall into bed together."

Sadly, those strong romantic underpinnings were eventually undone by Lohan's refusal to go public, though her relationship with Ronson would be considerably more higher-profile. As for Semel, she moved on to Tila Tequila, the bisexual MTV star who was just quoted in the AP's Degeneres article: "I just want to say congratulations, and I am really sorry you didn't invite me to your wedding." Though it may seem like there are hurt feelings in the small world of Hollywood power lesbians, we're sure it's nothing that can't be settled by a day trip to Long Beach and a round of $2 domestic beers at Shotgun.

• Ellen DeGeneres marries lesbian partner Portia de Rossi in sunset LA ceremony [Daily Mail]
• My secret lesbian lust with Lindsay Lohan [News of the World]

Popular internet personality Lindsay Lohan left the grand opening of Apple Lounge with the aid of a handsome, unidentified man on Thursday night. Lohan's life long chum/personal DJ, Samantha Ronson, was shocked to see her personal Peppermint Patty walking hand-in-hand with another person. Ronson then approached the man, readjusted her hat and asked, "'Ey yo! Bro, where you going with my peppermint? I mean do you have permission to touch my peppermint?" Lohan told Sam to chillax and that the man was just helping her out of the lounge and everything will be cool once they share a smoke.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience.
RUSSELL: Right.
DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each.
RUSSELL: OK!

DEFAMER: We'll start out easy before we get a little more obscure. Here's a gimme: Lindsay Lohan.
RUSSELL: Lindsay Lohan is an actress. I believe she was in a Herbie film? She's become notorious for her off-stage and -screen exploits and her tabloid lifestyle. I believe she has been connected to drugs, sauciness, and sexiness in equal measure, though she seems like a nice girl to me.
DEFAMER: She does love the Brits. She had a British boyfriend, and now she's got a British girlfriend.
RUSSELL: Her girlfriend is British?!
DEFAMER: Yeah, Samantha Ronson.
RUSSELL: That's fantastic! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Lindsay Lohan for her promotion of English sex.
DEFAMER: Here's another easy one: Amy Winehouse.
RUSSELL: Amy has been on several of my television shows in the United Kingdom. She's a very talented and beautiful girl and in my house, to this day, I have a Mexican doll that for a while lived in her hair.
DEFAMER: [laughs]
RUSSELL: You know those Mexican worry dolls? Or maybe they're Colombian. You sort of tell it your worries. She took it out of her hair once, gave it to me, and I treasure that little worry doll.
DEFAMER: Who wouldn't? OK, we're going to get a little harder. Zac Efron.
RUSSELL: Zac Efron is from High School Musical. Now whilst I've not seen this, because I don't think I belong to its target demographic, I recognize that it's a significant thing. It's sort of like this generation's Grease.
DEFAMER: Lil' Wayne.
RUSSELL: Lil' Wayne is a hip-hop artist and rapper, dreadlocked, with teardrops tattooed on his face. He is also known as "Weezy," and this is not because he is asthmatic. He seems to me to be a terrific poet.
DEFAMER: Somebody's been studying his Wikipedia!
RUSSELL: Good, wasn't it?
DEFAMER: Yeah, not bad!
RUSSELL: I haven't done any Wikipedia studies. I just happen to have an interest in Lil' Wayne, because I think he ignores a lot of copyright stuff to sort of rap over it. I think he's a pioneer.
DEFAMER: Miley Cyrus.
RUSSELL: Miley Cyrus is the teenager daughter of "Achy Breaky Heart" singer Billy Ray Cyrus. She is confusingly attractive, and to people under the age of eighteen, she is probably the biggest star in the world. She is the Madonna of tweenies.
DEFAMER: Speaking of tweenies: The Jonas Brothers.
RUSSELL: The Jonas Brothers is a band. They're all actual brothers and they all came out of the same womb, where many have said they studiously rehearsed their instruments. How the Jonas Mother was able to keep an amp in her uterus is one of the greatest mysteries, because them boys were born already possessing an incredible talent.
DEFAMER: How about your familiarity with MTV shows? Do you know of The Hills?
RUSSELL: I believe it's about some girls that go around and get off with people and wear nice dresses. They have the general air of louche attractiveness and easy availability.
DEFAMER: Pretty accurate. Let's move on to some of the news stories that Americans are talking about. Right now, we're all wondering what was up with this Christian Bale assault case, and maybe you can explain it to me. Apparently in the UK, you can go to jail for verbal assault? What's up with that?
RUSSELL: In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom. I admire Christian Bale and I think he's one of the greatest living actors on the planet currently, but we cannot shirk when it comes to good manners. If it's true that he also dropped a napkin on his way to the lavatory, then I think that he should possibly receive the death penalty.
DEFAMER: How about the U.S. presidential election? Do you follow it at all?
RUSSELL: I think that the idea of democracy is an illusion and regardless of who becomes president, the status quo will maintain power. It's irrelevant who you select as the totem of power in the country, because the country will be run in the same way — but I would rather have a black president than a white one. I would have ideally liked a hermaphrodite president, if it was up to me entirely, but until a hermaphrodite stands, I'll support Obama.
DEFAMER: Maybe we'll get there someday.
RUSSELL: Well, one can only hope that the rights of hermaphrodites will be recognized! Yeah, a hermaphrodite president — I just haven't found a hermaphrodite whose policies I agree with, even though I do like the idea of having mutual, opposed genitals.
DEFAMER: Lastly, I want to know your thoughts on the most important issue of our time...
RUSSELL: Yes.
DEFAMER: ...Brad and Angelina just had the twins.
RUSSELL: Thank God. The thing is that they're both so stupidly beautiful and good-looking and attractive that their children are born looking gorgeous! It's unsettling. That first one they had, she had sort of a Marilyn Monroe mouth. I don't think they should breed, those two people. I think their adoption policy is probably better because when their genes come together, it creates a storm of attractiveness so potent that it could one day bring down the planet.
DEFAMER: And no one needs all that on a baby.
RUSSELL: No one needs that on a baby! No one needs a baby with eight-inch-long eyelashes.
DEFAMER: All right, Russell. Congratulations on passing your quiz!
RUSSELL: Pretty good, wasn't it? Didn't I do well?

A dejected Lindsay Lohan moped around after a less than stellar shopping trip in Los Angeles. Lohan accompanied long time companion Samantha Ronson on the trip to celebrate the Queen Of The Fedoras' 31st birthday. Lohan wanted to end the birthday trip as soon as she discovered that the shopping center contained no stores that sold Lohan's life fuel: cigarettes and leggings. Using her "But, It's My Birthday" trump card, Ronson continued to shop as Lohan sulked along.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Lindsay "The Dragon" Lohan made many Miami shopkeepers very nervous as she strolled along with lifetime companion Samantha Ronson and the rest of the Ronson family. Lohan appeared to be emitting more smoke than usual, perhaps due to the stress of meeting Ronson's family. Not even a trip to the American Apparel store could quell the dragon's nerves.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

I can reveal that Lindsay will come out and declare her eternal love for sweetheart SAM RONSON at a private ceremony in LA later this year.

I'm told the smitten pair will exchange vows to stay together for LIFE.

Lindsay's mum Dina has told pals that she wants to "welcome Sam into the family" with a lavish do, including drinks and canapes for Li-Lo's pals and relatives.

The 22-year-old Freaky Friday star has been shopping for a white mini-dress for the occasion —and I hear she's chosen a very bridal-looking one by Chanel.

And crop-haired DJ Sam, 30, has joked that she'll wear a black groom-style suit complete with a TOP HAT.

As excited as we are about a "lavish do" that promises to include drinks AND canapes, forgive us for sounding skeptical about a wedding to cap off a relationship that hasn't yet been publicly confirmed. Still, there's at least one upside to the potential ceremony: with all of their paparazzi in tow, the new Ms-and-Ms. Ronson could save a bundle on wedding photography.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• Lindsay Lohan & Sam Ronson to 'wed'" [News of the World]

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank god; and, evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue."

Someone's been refreshing Perez! While Bratton deserves credit for advancing the idea that a starlet "going gay" could actually help curb the paparazzi explosion, we think Lindsay Lohan is a mere drop in the bucket. No, if the lesbian army on Passions has taught us anything, it's that these sapphic starlets will need to expand their ranks to the dozens or more if they even have a hope of taking on the paparazzi head-to-head. Do we smell a rumble at the Home Depot parking lot on Sunset?

• LAPD Chief Blames 'Bad Girls' For Paparazzi Drama [KNBC.COM]

We, just like most of you, watched the Sunday finale of Dina’s pet project somewhat naïvely, unsuspecting of any cameos by canonized porn producers or guest spots made by directors intending on using Ali’s potential role into a “private instruction” on how to turn an otherwise innocuous ‘80s film remake into a “delicious” and sexy flick made magical by “people in China.” While the Troll director’s instructions guide Ali through much of the embarrassing audition, we have a sneaking suspicion that Davy’s presence is to blame for the wee Lohan’s need to imitate the “acrobatic” lead’s performance as Eunice, the “guardian against dark magic,” by imagining the casting room’s crew of greasy-haired Skinematic and Blowtime veterans are “really big movie people.” Typically, we await tomorrow, when Dina releases a statement denying Ali was ever in such a room whatsoever, and that any footage documenting the fact that she was were created by vicious haters is pure “bull doodie.”

• ALI LOHAN TO PORN LEGEND: PUT ME IN YOUR FLICK! [TMZ]

boomp3.com

Looks like Lindsay Lohan will be adding another skill onto her acting resume as she showcased her fire-breathing ability at Bar Pitti on Monday afternoon. The Chapter 27 star was keen on impressing headwear raconteur Samantha Ronson with hew newfound skill and lighted her cigarette using only her mouth. However, the giant flame emitted by Lohan shocked a few customers, which resulted in the staff of the eatery to politely ask her to refrain from flaming up the joint.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

1) Guarantee Daughter Flops An Audition By Giving Her The Script The Day Before! As we noted a while back, Ali is reportedly slated to appear in the “Worst Movie Ever Made,” a remake of cheap horror dramedy Troll. And though it’s quite obvious to everyone else that the producers are intent on casting a Lohan to get their movie some publicity, Dina manages to make the situation as difficult as possible by handing her the script one day before her audition. But we can’t really argue with this nugget of wisdom: “If you’re a really good director, you will know and you will see if someone has talent whether they know the lines or don’t know the lines.”

2) Show Support During Said Audition By Telling Daughter, "You Don’t Need Mommy"! After noting how scary it can be for someone like Ali, who doesn’t exactly have the most mature parents in the world, to meet real-live “adults,” Dina responds to her tween’s meager request for assistance during the meeting with the flick’s director by telling her, “You don’t need mommy.” Way to bolster her chances for an inevitable estrangement “just like Lindsay!”

And that's a wrap! While we have yet to learn whether or not they'll be a Season Two of Living Lohan, one thing is certain — whether or not Ali succeeds in her career, Dina will surely find a way to continue to keep her name in the news. After all, isn't that what living Lohan is all about?

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

As TMZ claimed on Saturday, Lohan was driven to a local NYC hospital after the lovey dovey lesbian duo were out late Friday night and a wayward biker struck the seemingly soberific star. After her both her rep confirmed the hospital stay to TMZ, and a hospital source stated the same details to the NY Post, the wonderful beacon of maternal guidance that is Dina tells the Post today that the entire story is "bull doodie." And! Even Michael Lohan, surely the runner-up for Long Island's Father Of The Year trophy, chipped in to assure the same paper that Lohan texted him over the weekend to say she was "fine, Daddy." Hey, who needs hospital sources and reps when you've got parents like that to bring the truth forward with oh-so-believable rebuttals?

As for poor Ali, the Post reported over the weekend that notoriously smug (when it comes to musical taste) girlfriend Ronson had the nerve to turn down Dina's request to play the tween hack's new single at a NYC party — but today, Ronson reportedly took to her MySpace page to shoot down the rumors, calling the deafening ditty a "fucking great pop song." Which is sweet, until you realize that Ronson doesn't actually like pop songs — though we'd instinctively suspect Dina of instructing child-for-hire Cody to bust into Ronson's blog and write the entry himself, we prefer giving our favorite scissor-kicking couple the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe Lindsay does call Michael "Daddy." Maybe Ronson does love Ali's music. And maybe, just maybe, "bull doodie" is the new "crack is whack."

• LO-DOWN SAM [NYP]
• SAMANTHA RONSON: ALI LOHAN SINGLE IS 'GREAT' [People]
• LINDSAY LOHAN'S 'FINE' AFTER LATE-NIGHT BIKE HIT [NYDN]
• PARENTS DENY LINDSAY LOHAN INJURY STORY [NYP]

Cameron Diaz' ex and 3000 star Gerard Butler (we keep trying to forget that we first noticed him in Phantom Of The Opera even though every time we see his now-rugged face we can't help picturing him over-earnestly busting out "Music Of The Night") is fortunate enough to be starring in Ritchie's upcoming Rocknrolla, which means he was unfortunate enough to run into Madge at some point during filming. And as we learned months ago, the Ritchie groupie is always equipped with a baggie filled with needles filled to the brim with Lindsay Lohan's favorite "asthma attack" cure, Vitamin B-12. But according to Butler, the normally healthy kick to the ass advertised extensively be Madonna's most fickle supporter/critic Justin Timberlake, "the injection failed to boost Butler's immune system - and left him feeling worse than before."

Even more embarrassing for Madge, Butler describes her as "the nurse" on set. Meaning she's gone from platinum singer to failed director to failed on-set medical assistant. Frankly we don't blame her if she did get some "filler in her cheeks," as a Daily Mail plastic surgery believes. A little nip and tuck, which, in Madonna's case, doesn't look as horrific as the tab makes it out to be, can go a long way in boosting one's self-esteem. Just look at Bat Face victim Nicole Kidman — it's almost like she never looks unhappy, even when she's so bored by her husband's music that she nods out for a while!

[Photo credits: Splash]

• GERARD BUTLER GOT SICK AFTER MADONNA GAVE HIM SHOT IN THE BUTT [Starpulse]
• HAVE AGE AND STRESS LAUNCHED SHOCKING ATTACK ON MADONNA'S FACE? [Daily Mail]

”I was pouring blood. I threw myself at them, put blood all over them, and told them that I had HIV so they would stop hitting me...The forest belongs to everyone.”

But from the sound of it, Pitt disagreed so vehemently with this last statement that the actor underwent a Hulk-like transformation into Tyler Durden, and joined this fight club himself:

The scene, reminiscent of that infamous slapstick evening when a NY pap jumped on top of Lindsay Lohan’s car and called it a hit-and-run, is similarly described in very different ways by Goursolas and Tony Webb, the guard at the center of the action. But figuring out who to believe means figuring out whether or not Pitt really morphed into our favorite rippled muscle man role in his steadily dimming archive. Despite the pap’s claim that the guards “hit him with a walkie-talkie, punched and kicked him, leaving a head wound that required three stitches,” Webb and his Chosen Two-protecting soldiers are the only ones who left a local hospital with nostalgically-termed “doctor’s notes” giving them four days off-duty. So as much as we enjoy the vision of Pitt storming out of his chateau shirtless, fists clenched, and telling the pap that “what you are doing is bad!”, doctor’s notes speak a bit louder than colorful words.

• POLICE: PAPARAZZI, GUARDS, FIGHT AT BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE'S CHATEAU [NYDN]

boomp3.com

Before heading out on an adventure, headgear aficionado Samanatha Ronson asked gal pal Lindsay Lohan if she could leave the tophat she was wearing in their hotel room. Ronson said, "Don't try to steal my look, okay? I mean, how would you like it if I were to started to wear leggings?" Lohan said that she'd love it if Ronson started to wear leggings. Ronson smiled, but asked again if Lohan could take off the hat since it's her thing and it's a symbol of her individual freedom.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

As we noted