It's Not TV. It's Bruckheimer/Bay Blow-Shit-Up O-Vision.

A stunning development could herald the return of one of the greatest way-above-the-title pairings in Hollywood history: that of superproducing entity Jerry Bruckheimer and überdirecting force Michael Bay, the former the explosion-loving ying to the latter's blowing-shit-up-obsessed yang. The pair's creative partnership resulted, of course, in some of the most beloved, absolutely-terrible blockbusters of the mid 1990s—but what project could satisfy their shared need for one mushroom-cloud-detonation per page and a stream of ham-fisted catchphrases that can only be fully appreciated when delivered by Nicolas Cage?

Jerry Bruckheimer Crosses 'Chick Flicks' Off His List of Shit to Blow Up

Seeing as contemporary genre godmother Nora Ephron wouldn't be interviewed for today's taxonomy of chick flicks in the New York Times, we didn't know how or even if author Michael Cieply could compensate for the vast accompanying vacuum of perspective. But after a few moments considering the revisionist dynamics of forthcoming films like Ephron's Julie & Julia and Confessions of a Shopaholic — both evidently appealing to younger male viewership — we suddenly knew there was only one capable replacement worth getting on record. And it has a Y chromosome:

[Confessions] is not just for women, the filmmakers insist. "We all have spending habits, a lot of us do," said Jerry Bruckheimer, one of the film's producers, speaking by telephone last week. "If we do our job right, this could be another Wedding Crashers." ...

2008 Fails To Produce Absilicious-Spartan-Warrior Money

· The 2008 box office year has been "solid rather than spectacular," failing to yet produce the kind of runaway, $200 million-earning blockbuster that 300 did for the first quarter of 2007. You want a hit? Turn South Heavy Metal Park into a feature. [Variety]
· Dennis Quaid and approximately two dozen other stars sign up for Legion: On the eve of Apocalypse, a "group of strangers...must deliver a baby they realize is Christ in his second coming." Or as it was pitched in the room, "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World meets Children of Men!" [Variety]
· Superproducer Jerry Bruckheimer has reteamed with his Pirates of the Caribbean writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio for a take on The Lone Ranger for Disney that promises to be as overbloated, over-CGId, and overly fucking confusing as their last outings. (Tonto's half-squid.) [THR]

Brian Grazer Would Trade His Hollywood Kingdom For A 'People' Cover

Despite having earned untold millions from his incredibly successful superproducing career, won an Oscar for his shepherding of a buddy comedy (with heart!) about a math-loving schizophrenic and his favorite imaginary friend, and having recently dragged a troubled, $100 million passion project out of development hell and into a lucrative box office run all by himself, Imagine's Brian Grazer is still tormented by feelings of Hollywood inadequacy. In today's NY Times, Grazer, his signature hair-spikes seemingly wilting with each anguished word, laments that for all of his show business accomplishments, his name is still relatively unknown by the middle-American moviegoers to whom he delivers Russell Crowe-starring cinematic delights every couple of years:

Despite having won Oscars as well as most other film and television awards, Mr. Grazer remains largely unknown outside Hollywood. And while he acknowledges the success of his work, he still craves public recognition.

'24' Writers Taking Their Time To Think Up An Extra-Shitty Day For Jack Bauer

· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Tiny People Injected Into the Sickly Body Of Originality Edition: Roland Emmerich will direct a remake of Fantastic Voyage for 20th Century Fox. [Variety]
· Production has temporarily stopped on 24 so that the hit show's writers have enough time to adequately dramatize every apocalyptic scenario that would probably come to pass if a Hillary Clintonesque president ever assumed our highest office. [THR]
· Former Daily Show/Colbert Report EP Ben Karlin explains the just-announced, combined film/television deal he signed with a certain premium cable outlet: "When my reps asked me what I wanted to do next, I said firmly, 'not TV.' They said, 'HBO.' I had to admit, they had me there." [Variety]
· ABC's new NASCAR in Prime tanks its premiere, probably because the show clearly belongs on Fox. [THR]
· Jerry Bruckheimer informs CBS that it must buy his drama pilot about a "globetrotting team of freelance treasure hunters" or he will withdraw every one of the 45 weekly hours of programming he generates for them; the network, of course, happily complies, remarking about how much they always wanted a more expensive, scripted version of The Amazing Race. [Variety]

Lindsay Lohan's Uphill Battles In Utah

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time Winona Ryder graciously adopted the role of elevator-operator at the WeHo Target.

In today's episode: Lindsay Lohan (in Sundance, Utah); Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart; Winona Ryder; Vince Vaughn and "a Wilson brother"; Seth Green; Mandy Moore and Jason Segel; Jerry Bruckheimer; Reggie Williams and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar; Larry King; Oliver Stone and Tom Ford; John Stamos; DJ Danger Mouse; Busy Phillips; Michael Gross and James Avery; Willie Garson; Chris Kattan and Preston Lacy; Chelsea Handler; Kato Kaelin; Asia Argento; Roger Cross; Eric Christian Olsen; Brandon Davis; Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge; Samantha Ronson.

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