We spoke to a gentleman who says he viewed the tape and that it is being brokered for the very Dr. Evil price of one meeellion dollars.

"It's your typical graphic sex tape," he says.

We'll spare you the exact description (you can probably guess), but he did say "there's a golden shower at the end."

We thought that once-sacred celebrity sex tape genre couldn't possibly be more devalued than when Screech decided that documenting himself giving a Dirty Sanchez to an anonymous bachelorette party stray would be a good career move, but we—as we so often are—were wrong. If the above-referenced video featuring an R&B singer we've never heard of recreationally urinating upon a Hilton sidekick does exist, it would clearly represent a depressing new low for the form, no matter how badly we'd want to watch it.

• Kim-Ray J tape seen as hot seller [Gatecrasher]

Glory-hole-inspecting sister site Fleshbot has selflessly subjected itself to the crimes against amateur celebrity pornography committed by opportunistic former Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond by reviewing Screeched, the "stolen" sex tape in which the actor supposedly lures a pair of stray bachelorette party revelers back to his motel room for an erotic adventure involving a bubble bath and the lighthearted defilement of a luck lady's upper lip with the feces of career-reviving desperation. The verdict? Unsurprisingly, the product is a letdown:

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, "Screeched" features too many shots of Diamond's face. It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo. Apparently "Bro" offers points for that sort of thing.

Based on this expert assessment (the full review is here), we recommend that our readers pass on the crushing disappointment that is Screeched, and instead populate their degrading Saved by the Bell-based sexual fantasies with any of Diamond's former Saturday morning co-stars, who undoubtedly would have been able to use their superior acting talents to properly sell a climactic Dirty Sanchez.

• DVD Review: "Screeched" [Fleshbot]

• There Is No Sex Tape [TMZ]

UPDATE 2: OK, maybe it's not them after all.

• Britney Spears Sex Tape [PornoTube]

A crucial, if not always enthusiastically embraced, part of our jobs is reading the occasional, anonymously proffered e-mail (in this case, one actually from "Joe Anon") titled NEW SEXTAPE and following the provided links to a hastily designed Tripod site, where we must then grudgingly evaluate the self-published claims of surreptitiously obtained footage of a famous person engaged in a sex act that they'd rather not be seen by the public. Normally, we might have dismissed the story told on Scenes from a Car as an outright hoax, but in a world where former Saved by the Bell stars can pretend they have nothing to do with the release of amateur pornography involving their fecal besmirching of some tragically underpaid accomplices, all things are possible in the sex tape game. And so even though it might bear an uncomfortable similarity to a cherished, apocryphal (we assume) story about a still-mic'd Sylvester Stallone getting oral favors in his trailer, we still pass along these nameless entrepreneurs' claim to have proof of what receiving fellatio from a "seven-figure-per-film" actress sounds like, for your investigative/debunking/Friday-afternoon-jollies-obtaining pleasure:

Long hours on a set. People get tired, people make mistakes, and sometimes starlets give blow jobs in cars without realizing their mic is still on.

Until, we get some legal advice, we won't reveal who it is yet, but she is a regular in US Weekly, high seven figure salary per film.

It all started when I was walking near the sound tent and my buddy waived me over, smiling and chuckling to himself. He handed me a pair of headphones and informed me that "____"'s mic was still on and that she and her assistant were talking trash about some people they had had a run-in with at a Las Vegas club recently. I am still amazed how crude women can be when there are no men around. Then a p.a. comes in and tells them 75min until the next setup. "___" then says she is going to the bathroom. I thought it would be a funny wrap party blooper, so I told him to record it. This was at three in the morning (about fourteen hours into a sixteen hour day), so we were giggling like kids and thought this was hilarious. As she was doing her business, her phone rings. There is no talking so I'm guessing it was a text. Skip ahead...she is walking and makes a call asking "Where are you". Skip ahead...she gets into a vehicle and shares some sweet talk with a guy. I thought she had a boyfriend, but I don't recognize this guy's voice. She asks him how he got his seat back and he informs her that the controls are on the side of the seat. There is some rustling, then the vehicle door opens. It is at this moment that I see the interior light of the vehicle across the way. She reclines the seat and gets back in. Skip ahead...there is some more sweet talk, then some more rustling, then they start kissing and so forth. THEN, for twelve minutes and forty seven seconds, she gives him the sexiest blow job I have ever heard capped off by the words "Yeah, cum". Then we spotted our boss approaching and the recording abruptly stops there. The image is from a camera phone when she was reclining the seat. This is as enhanced as we could get it. You can tell it's her when she is standing by the door. The light stays on for a few seconds after she closes the door, then the image goes pretty dark, then the camera memory runs out. But the audio is digital and perfect (49:03) — and there is no mistaking her voice. Demand will dictate how we proceed, because my friend and I will most certainly be fired and/or worse when/if the who, when and where is released. For those who are interested, you will not be disappointed. A DVD would include the short video clip, but would basically be audio only. If there is interest, please send an e-mail to the address below.

Should you have any interest in helping these fine crew members move their possibly fictional product, there's contact info on their site.

Guesses as to the identity of the star, of course, are welcomed in the comments section or through e-mail, as are admonishments for wasting your time with an obvious scam.

• scenesfromacar [scenesfromacar.tripod.com]

"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt appeared on Howard Stern's radio show this morning to plug Dustin Diamond's own entry into an already crowded field of celebrity sex tapes featuring furry, squeaky-voiced children's television stars. Apparently, Diamond's previous boasts to Stern about his megalithic manhood were not exaggerated:

David went on to say the tape featured two women with Dustin, who he noted had "a telephone pole" between his legs. David also said the scene ended with Dustin performing a "Dirty Sanchez" on one of his costars, although it was more the smell of the "moustache" than being able to see it that made the act so disturbing.

When Howard played tape, he commented that he couldn't believe the size of Dustin's penis in its flaccid state, while Robin referred to it as "a tree."

The movie, apparently retitled Screeched after Saved By The Smell tested poorly in the all-important "0 - 120-year-old humans with an active gag reflex" demographic, is now available for pre-order on electronic smut purveyor extraordinaire ClubRedLight.com, where a truly terrifying banner ad taunts us with a close up of Diamond's wiggling index finger moments before it embarks upon an erotic spelunking expedition. (It's a modified Sanchez, due to the relatively high difficulty level of trying to fashion convincing poo-whiskers with a telephone-pole-sized paintbrush.)

• The Rundown [HowardStern.com]
• Screeched [ClubRedLight.com]

"It took a lot to impress me," the best-selling author of "Confessions of a Super Vixen" tells us. "Bill was my perfect match. [Love-making] was explosive and amazing. I've never been with someone who couldn't keep his hands off me." [...]

Tomorrow, Vivid Entertainment plans to release a DVD titled "Superhead," Steffans' nickname in the hip hop world. Her lawyers plan to file a motion in L.A. Federal Court to stop the release.

Steffans admits she signed a release form when she went before the cameras with the porn player known as Mr. Marcus. But she emphasizes, "That was six years ago, when I was a coke whore. I was a single mom. I needed money. Vivid makes it look like it's a new tape."

How typical of the shady workings of the porn world to take the legal precautions of having their models sign a release form, then to actively market the footage despite knowing full well their star only did it because she was an insatiable coke whore. We knew the adult entertainment industry was exploitative, we just had no idea to what extent.

• Vixen's 'Confessions': Maher a 'Super' lover [NY Daily News]

• Colin and ex-Playmate settle tale of the sex tape [NY Daily News]

• Sex With Colin Farrell Worth $3 Million? [TSG]
• Previously: Colin Farrell Sex Tape Update: No One's Happy About DirtyColin [Defamer]

"Obviously someone wants to hurt me and doesn't want me to be successful in my solo career," Stapp told AP Radio in a recent interview. [...]

Stapp, 32, says the tape was made soon after he was divorced from Hillaree Burns.

He said he previously told his new wife about having a wild year and that she accepts the tape as part of his past.

"You think it's part of your rock 'n' roll memories," Stapp said. "I should have burned that tape."

And thus the culprit behind Stapp's failed attempt at a solo career is finally identified: It was the theft and release of the videographic exploration of his own insatiable auto-erotic nipple-based hedonism that did it, and not, as was previously assumed, his sucky solo album, "The Great Divide," which opened at number 19 to scathing reviews, then promptly tumbled off the charts.

• Stapp Says Sex Tape Was Meant to Sabotage [Yahoo/AP]
• Scott Stapp Gets Married, Arrested [Yahoo/AP]
• Previously: Kid Rock Sex Tape Video Temporarily Shelved [Defamer]

Thank you, Team Kid Rock, for saving us from ourselves.

• Kid Rock Sues to Stop Sale of Sex Video [AP]
• Previously: Welcome To The Kid Rock-Scott Stapp Sex Tape [Defamer]

The never-before-seen video is 45 minutes long and features Kid Rock and Stapp partying and receiving oral sex from several of their groupies while touring nearly six years ago.

We obtained the tape from a third party, Red Light District president David Joseph told AVN.com. We haven t decided exactly when we re releasing it, but look for it in a few months.

Fleshbot provides a video morsel of the tape, courtesy of Red Light District (the people who brought you 1 Night in Paris), though we must warn you, it leaves you with more questions (ex: "What are those two girls doing to Rock from behind with his T-shirt hiked up above his belly?") than it does answers.

• Kid Rock Sex Tape [Fleshbot]
• Red Light District Acquires Kid Rock/Scott Stapp Sex Tape [AVN]
• Scott Stapp and Kid Rock Sex Tape Revealed!!! [Us Weekly]

"We're extremely upset," Narain's lawyer Leodis Matthews told us after learning of the existence of the Web www.dirtycolin.com. "This is a black-market release. Nicole is not getting a dime from this. We're outraged — $14.95 is a ridiculous figure." [...]

Also fuming over dirtycolin.com are Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt and Internet Commerce Group mogul Sal Abbate, who had plans to market the tape with Narain.

Abbate said the bootleg release spoiled their deal. "We could have gotten as much as $50 for [each copy of] this," he said. Schmidt thinks Farrell could still cover himself in glory by agreeing to an authorized release. "Instead of chasing phantoms we should come together and form a joint venture," he said. "Let's beat these SOBs."

In these confusing times, in which a videotaped moment of passion can be instantly transformed from a playful souvenir of an internationally recognized actor drunkenly porking a mostly anonymous Playmate into a multimillion-dollar business, it's important to hold fast to one's principles. Without those, opportunistic, would-be pornographers looking to cash in on a series of sex acts from three years ago are no better the equally opportunistic internet pornographers without enough sense to properly price their unauthorized product.

• Out of the blue, Colin's sex tape lands on Web [NY Daily News]
• Previously: Colin Farrell Sex Tape Arrives: UPDATE [Defamer]

the roumors are true. the video is here. watch Colin fuck playboy bunny Nicole Narain.

Lapses in copy editing aside, the Colin Farrell sex tape, whose existence was first announced back in July, has finally arrived. DirtyColin.com boldly claims "Colin tried to stop us from showing you this...Well, here it is anyways," but how exactly the site's proprietors have circumvented the small problem of Farrell's consent is unclear. (Our three years of celebrity sex tape law school make us think that either 1) the video is completely illegal [or fake] or 2) they somehow quietly obtained Farrell's permission for its release.) We haven't actually plugged $14.99 worth of quarters into the virtual video booth, but the sample stills of the apparently Daredevil-era (read: pre-rehab and Miami Vice manboobs) Farrell and his onetime sex bunny are already seared onto parts of our brain we'd hoped to use one day for less psychically distressing purposes.

UPDATE: Caveat emptor, sickies: A reader writes in to warn us that he paid for the video, but couldn't download it or get it to play, so you might be better served resisting the uncontrollable desire to watch Colin Farrell enjoying a vigorous round of coitus. And we've noticed that the site's been inaccessible for a while anyway, casting further doubt about the whole thing's legitimacy.

• Dirty Colin [DirtyColin.com]
• Colin Farrell’s Sex Tape Lawsuit: Just The Hot Parts [Defamer]
• Colin Farrell Sex Tape: Time To Start Suing Playmates [Defamer]
• Rumor Of The Day: Colin Farrell Sex Tape? [Defamer]

Despite rumors that the tape would feature model/actress Liz Hurley, none of the women featured are mainstream stars.Instead, the tape often features multiple women at once and an unrepentant Sizemore.

XPays co-owner Evan Horowitz said he expects a different reaction to the Sizemore footage than his company received to the Hilton tape.

“One can only hope [it turns out as well]. We don’t really think of it in terms of comparison – this is a novelty item,” he said.

Horowitz said the likely target audience for the tape is middle-aged women – not exactly the biggest demographic for porn surfers – but expressed no doubt that the tape will sell.

Perhaps the only thing sadder than aiding the release of your celebrity sex tape (Sizemore's getting a cut, so it seems that he's in on this) is having your desperate, videotaped acts referred to as a "novelty." And somehow we can't picture the gals from the target audience gathering around a big bowl of popcorn for a fun night of Sex and the City DVDs and Sizemore pathetically diddling porn stars and hookers. (Besides, wasn't that a Samantha subplot is Season 4?)

• Tom Sizemore Sex Tape: It’s Here, It’s Not Liz Hurley [AVN Online]
• NSFW: Tom Sizemore Sex Tape(s) [Fleshbot]
• Tom Sizemore Can Go All Night [Defamer]

[OK, you caught us, it's really a foreign condom ad. If we didn't cop to it, these pictures would wind up on the cover of Star next week.]

• Bonus: Other Brands [Coloribus via BoingBoing]

• Restraining order in Farrell sex tape case [CNN/AP]

THE MAKING OF THE PRIVATE VIDEO TAPE
9. Approximately two and one-half years prior to the filing of the Complaint, Plaintiff was involved in a personal relationship with Defendant Narain, a model and actress who resided and conducted business in Los Angeles Country. Plaintiff and Defendant Narain made a videotape in Los Angeles that was approximately 15 minutes in length and depicted them having sexual relations. At the time the Videotape was made, Plaintiff and Narain specifically agreed that the Videotape would be jointly owned by the two of them, would remain strictly private and confidential between them, and that neither Plaintiff nor Narain would ever give or show to or share with any third party the Videotape or any of its content. Plaintiff and Narain further agreed that neither party would ever sell, or exploit the Videotape or its content in any way. [...]

DEFENDANTS' WRONGFUL ATTEMPTS TO EXPLOIT THE VIDEOTAPE
12...In a written communication to Plaintiff's talent agent dated July 13, 2005, Defendant Schmidt described his imminent distribution of a "15 minute color video depicting [Plaintiff and Defendant Narain] engaged in various acts of copulation."

After we've all lingered over turns of phrase like "depicted them having sexual relations," "engaged in various acts of copulation," and even the deliciously suggestive "exploit the Videotape," there's no way the tape itself could be anything but an erotic letdown.

• Colin Farrell Sues Over Sex Tape [The Smoking Gun]
• Colin Farrell Sex Tape: Time To Start Suing Playmates [Defamer]

• Colin Farrell Sues Woman Over Sex Tape [AP]
• “Bone Booth”: Colin Farrell Sex Tape Described [Defamer]
• Rumor Of The Day: Colin Farrell Sex Tape? [Defamer]