Guillermo del Toro to Pump Out Stale Remakes For Universal Until 2017

Just Add Alcohol: 'Mamma Mia! The Sing-Along Version' Opens Friday

Ben Affleck Totally Typecast As Harried Perfumier

· Ben Affleck will star in Mike Judge's Extract, about the trials and tribulations of "a flower extract factory owner." We know the punchline is "Ow My Essence of Citrus Blossom!" We're just not sure how the rest goes. [Variety]
· The Zurich Film Festival will bestow their highest honor, The Golden Herring, upon the franchise-defibrillating achievements of aging action mercenary, Sylvester Stallone. [Variety]
· NBC Universal has acquired U.K.'s Carnival Film & Television, the first step in their ruddily cherubic child-king's seven-year plan towards world domination. [THR]
· The House Bunny and Legally Blonde writers Karen McCullah Lutz and Kirsten "Kiwi" Smith have sold ABC Studios a script for a potential series based on their "champagne-and-therapy-fueled" creative process. Working title: Set-Ups and the City. (Now who wants a show about our malt-beverage-and-hackery-fueled creative process?) [THR]
· Lifetime ordered six episodes of Blonde Charity Mafia, a documentary series about young fundraising socialites in D.C. Couldn't they have squeezed the word "Sluts" in the title somewhere? That would have really sold it. [Variety]

What better après-puff-piece aperitif to follow the NY Times's profile of a content-hungry Time Warner than Portfolio's equally attentive servicing of NBC Universal oligarch, Jeff Zucker? Interviewed at his ballroom-sized corner office at 30 Rock, the reporter at first can't resist infantilizing his subject: "Zucker has an appealing, ruddy tint that lends him a cherubic appearance," reads one willies-inducing passage. "When he sits back, his feet actually lift off from the floor a bit, like a boy taking a turn on someone else’s throne." (We'll assume the part that read, "He then soils his diaper, a mess quickly attended to by the youngest and prettiest of his three assistants..." was edited for space.)

Plump Russell Crowe, Weary Ridley Scott Implicated in 'Nottingham' Postmortem

What is a loud, developmentally disabled summer action blockbuster to do when even Hollywood's biggest quote-whore critic won't endorse it? That's the dilemma facing The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, which, at this time Thursday, was packing a 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. What a difference a day makes, however, with a glint of support finally peeking through the mounting opprobrium. In the spirit of fairness and equal time, after the jump we salute some of the independent thinkers and/or drunks brave enough to stand up for Rob Cohen's crapterpiece — even including a Pulitzer Prize winner!

Delicate DreamWorks Deal Hinges on Steven Spielberg's 'Stay Out of My Hemisphere' Clause

Universal Pregnant With 'Inglorious Bastards' After Drunken Weinstein / Tarantino Three-Way

Brendan Fraser, Habitual Line Cutter

Trouble in 'Nottingham': Is Ridley Scott's Robin Hood on the Rocks?

Nepotism, 'Animal House' and 'the Worst Script We've Ever Read': An Evening With the Reitmans

Bad Math and Short Memories Spin Wacky 'Hulk' Hate-In

Two percent doesn't sound like much of a quantity on its face, but it's apparently more than enough room for studio execs to rejoice after recent box-office scans reveal this year's grosses are slightly up from those of Summer 2007. Observers attribute part of the bump to "better-than-expected" openings for films like Kung-Fu Panda, Sex and the City, The Happening and The Incredible Hulk, with the latter film's $55 million opening rounding out Marvel Studios' blockbuster tandem with Iron Man.

Naturally Marvel boss David Maisel will be doing victory laps for rest of the season, but after the jump, join us in parsing a bizarre contrarian argument gaining traction against the studio's acknowledged re-do of Ang Lee's brooding 2003 Hulk. Hint: It's bullshit.

'Bruno', Universal's $42 Mil Gay-Austrian Gamble, Gets His Release Date

We now know when to expect an answer to the "Bruno: Borat-level triumph or $42 million Universal folly?" question eating at Hollywood since first learning that the studio had shelled out that unconscionable sum for a feature-length prankumentary starring the heterosexually-threatening Sacha Baron Cohen character. From Variety:

Universal will release the film on May 15, 2009. So far, there are no other R-rated comedies near that date.

Hulu Represents Triumph of Rupert Murdoch Over The People

Hulu — the NBC-Universal/Fox owned video website that is not so different from the numerous other websites offering full episodes of television shows, is the subject of a fawning, incredulous profile in today's Los Angeles Times. While all of the major networks already offer the bulk of their primetime line-ups for free online, Hulu boldly puts a bunch of it together on one site, thereby saving precious seconds of web surfing time. In an embarrassing display of old media-ness, reporter Scott Collins rhapsodizes over Hulu's "special features."

How do you Hulu? You don't have to pay anything, download a special player or even register your name or e-mail address. The site, which went up in mid-March, is free; in exchange for watching relatively brief ads, you get access to complete high-resolution episodes of top TV series such as "24" and "30 Rock," as well as impressively cataloged clips from "Saturday Night Live" and other shows.

Wow. Imagine how excited he'll be when he finds out about BitTorrent. Jests aside, Hulu may not seem like much of an innovation to anyone with more than a passing familiarity with the internet. But according to Collins, Hulu represents the next step in Rupert Murdoch's plan to rule the world. Hulu's innovation is not what it can do — it's what it can't do.

Unencumbered By Boob-Job Drama, George Clooney Mulls His Next Step

· Warner Bros. is developing the spy thriller novel The Tourist as a potential George Clooney vehicle which will explode in the first reel and set the entire plot in motion. What about the goat movie? When does that one come out? [Variety]
· The WGA will hold a referendum next month to simplify its credit procedures, hopefully eliminating screenwriter name-gumbo like this. [Variety]
· If you're currently in production, we hope you're shooting in Waiverland, as SAG head Alan Rosenberg doubts any agreement will be reached by the deadline date of June 30. [Variety]
· Jack Black has dropped out of Borat-writer/director Todd Phillips's Man-Witch, a movie about a man who's a witch, supposedly because Black is concerned Phillips will shoot another movie called Hangover, about a bachelor party who wakes up in Vegas and realizes they lost the groom, first. May the best wacky premise win! [THR]
· Universal buys a comedy spec called Raindrops All Around Me, about "a socially inept high school teacher who learns to 'dumb it down' in order to fit in with the people around him." Said a Universal rep, "We think after a few more drafts to broaden the humor, Middle America will really eat this up!" [THR]

Green skin, black lungs: That's what smoking-in-film watchdog group the American Medical Association Alliance is accusing Universal of showcasing in The Incredible Hulk, and thereby encouraging its teen audiences of picking up the deadly habit in order to emulate the cool on-screen persona of William Hurt's stogie-loving army general. From their press release:

“Shame on ‘The Incredible Hulk’ for unnecessarily adding smoking to a sequel that would have been just as exciting and believable without it,” said Dianne Fenyk, President of the [American Medical Association (AMA) Alliance]. “Universal Studios and the other Hollywood studios should be especially embarrassed for using comic book movies, which they market to children and know youth will want to see, to promote tobacco.” [...]

NBC Time Warner Still A Faraway, Corporate Media Monolith Dream

Time Warner is in many ways a self-sustaining media ecosystem: Their intermittently functioning cable networks and motion pictures wing create celebrities and cultural trends, which then wind up on the covers of their top-tier glossies, migrate online via their internet porthole AOL, and eventually float amidst the other sewage runoff filtered by bad-seed web-holding, TMZ, at which point the entire cycle begins anew. The only pie Time Warner has yet to stick a chubby little finger into is the business of network TV, and recent rumors have indeed suggested that they were hungrily circling NBC Universal. Addressing a media conference yesterday, CEO Jeff Bewkes issued a standard non-denial denial:

Time Warner CEO Jeff Bewkes said Monday the media giant has "no agenda" regarding the acquisition of a television network, despite renewed speculation over a possible hook-up with NBC Universal.

Help is On the Way For Children Threatened by 'Hulk Smash Hands'

It's been a while since The Incredible Hulk lumbered into a completely fabricated media controversy, a drought no doubt prompting the LA Times to report today's scandal that... that... Sweet Jesus, we can't even write it. John Horn, would you please step in?

If your kids simply must watch the Cartoon Network, they will be overwhelmed with ads for all kinds of tooth-rotting junk, including Pop Tarts, Lucky Charms, Reese's Puffs and some concoction called Froot Loops Cereal Straws. But critics say there's a different pediatric health risk on the cable channel — promotions tied to violent, PG-13-rated movies. ...