Defamer
The British tabloid press seem intent on turning the shaming of new James Bond Daniel Craig into a national pastime, to be enjoyed alongside such others cherished local activities as eight-day cricket matches and deep-fried cod. Their carefully adhered to format dictates merely thinking up a Bond skill (driving a manual sports car, hand-to-hand combat, operating a weapon, exposure to daylight), then reporting that Craig's complete incompetence at said skill rendered him injured and/or a laughing stock, followed by a mention that an expert is being flown in for tutorial. Note how all the elements fall into place with this story from The Sun about Craig's poker-playing illiteracy:
He became a laughing stock again when producers found he did not know a Royal Flush from a Full House.British card player John Duthie, who has made £1.5million from poker, was jetted to a Berlin hotel to coach Craig.
An insider said: "Daniel could not play cards — it was so funny. It is a critical part of the film, where Bond shows how cool a customer he is.
But it was frustratingly ridiculous how long it took to teach the cast how to play or behave at a poker table.
"Everyone at the hotel has been laughing about a Bond who can't play cards."
For Craig's sake, we'd love to say that the tabs have managed to use up every conceivable Bond-related activity in their insatiable quest to neuter the actor. Of course, that well is far from dry: Look for upcoming exposes on Craig's inability to drink a martini ("He had to get three stitches in his eye after puncturing it on the little plastic olive sword!"), and his complete bafflement as to what to do with a hot, naked woman emerging from the surf, upon which producers will scramble to jet in Britain's greatest porn star, Nigel Cockworthy, Earl of Fuckingham, to coach Craig on the finer points of on-camera lovemaking.
- Diamonds are for what? [The Sun]
- Previously: Tabloids Burn New Bond Yet Again [Defamer]
Comments
I love Nigel's work, although I'd always thought he was a Duke of Fuckingham.
The fact that the card game in Casino Royale has been changed from Baccarat to Texas Hold 'Em is bad enough. Perhaps the producers should have Bond trade in Pussy Galore and his Aston Martin for Sue-Anne Burton from Noblesville, IN and a Winnebago while they're at it. I swear, that Madonna cameo in Lee "Pink Panties" Tamahori's Die Another Day really was the end of Bond.
Hold on a cotton pickin' minute! You mean actors don't know how to do everything their characters do? So, does this mean actors who play surgeons on tv actually do not know how to operate?!?!?!?!? Well, the next time that Dr. Clooney tells me I need another pelvic exam I guess I should ask to see some credentials.
If it's this much of a problem he should just be shuffled off to play Big Wheel ("Oh yes, cherrie-oh, I do believe that big felt thinngie just stopped on 2 quid. Glorious day.) and have him order Coronas while interjecting that they should be topped with a lime, not stirred. And yes, Madonna helped to move along the death of the franchise quicker than Jack Kevorkian let loose in a hospice.
I guess they really should have hired Ben Affleck to play Bond.
I don't care what Daniel Craig can't do, can't drive or can't act his way out of...he is damn HOT. I'd rather wather him run around shirtless anyday as Bond than look at Pierce Brosnan's hairy chest, sucked in gut and high-waisted pants.
Unreal. I'll bet you Craig doesn't even know the difference between a Walther PPK and a Mannlicher-Carcano. What has happened to our standards, people?
Clive Owen woulda made a good Bond.
Nobody goldfingers his thunderballs like Craig, and that's enough of a deal-sealer for me.
This is one of the best posts you've ever written.
Man, this poor bastard doesn't have a prayer. Nobody was as bad as Timothy Dalton. I've never seen so much venom foisted at one guy for getting a dream role.
Ditto on Clive Owen (watch the Croupier). Now HE is hot!!! Daniel Craig is skanky.
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