Defamer
It's happened.
Somewhere deep within Tom Cruise's compound, one of the hundreds of bio-vessels gathered in the estate's silent birthing stadium has finally pushed forth into the world an offspring bearing enough of a physical resemblance to the actor (think the classic monkeys-and-typewriters scenario, but with stainless-steel turkey basters and female Scientologists in their prime reproduction years) not to arouse too much suspicion about the infant's true parentage.
In other words: The Miracle Baby has finally arrived, a 7 lb. 7 oz. girl named Suri, which we assume was the name of some futuristic seafaring vessel from an obscure L. Ron Hubbard novel.
According to a press release, "both mother and daughter are doing well." We assume they're referring to Katie Holmes, not the actual biological parent who's tending the child while Holmes tries to chew through her wrist restraints and escape during the bedlam following the birth announcement.
Comments
Brooke Shields also gave birth to little 7-pound Grier Hammond today. Perhaps we're all mistaken about the prophecy after all-- while we've been waiting for the Messiah to come in the form of Baby Pitt-Jolie, she may well already have arrived and be marshaling her forces to take on the legions of Suri Cruise. Only time will tell.
Stupid celebrity baby names strikes again.
Wow, born on the same day? Place your bets on Antichrist vs Anti-Antichrist 2035 now!
I would like to congratulate the high-up Paramount execs for the most forwarded email of the year. Bravo on the genius viral marketing move.
"...she may well already have arrived and be marshaling her forces to take on the legions of Suri Cruise." I can already imagine the pitched battle between Grier and Suri over whose legion has to take little Moses Martin.
But did he eat the placenta?
Neat! I can finally use the panic room I had installed in my house. Now there's something you don't see every day- a plague of locusts appears to be descending from the sky...
In other news today: famines and plagues swept across the earth, earthquakes shattered mountains, and the seas rose up to swallow entire nations. Yea, the Dark One cometh...
I thought maybe Suri was short for Surrogate.
Grier's a girl? Maybe they'll grow up to be girlfriends.
The report I read said the baby's name is Sun. L. Ron would be happy to see another offspring of thetans kicking the air. Does this mean that Tom will be elevated even higher in the realm of Scientology?
Naturally, "People" has the story (arranged in advance, no doubt) I am really, really trying to care about this. Nope, can't do it.
I'm sure it will surprise no one that almost immediately after delivery, Tom Cruise announced his engagement to Suri, citing his well-known taste for dating increasingly younger women.
How long until he dangles the baby over a balcony? ...On the Eiffel Tower?
Also, for those who are re-thinking their jaded cynicism about the birth, since it did NOT coincide with the release of MI:3, let me reassure you. This is perfect timing; in 2 weeks Suri will be done resting and bonding with mom in private, and ripe for her big red carpet debut in daddy's arms. I called it first.
I pity the child. I have a vivid fantasy that Katie Holmes will finally awake from her Stepford/Scientology zombie walk, snap out of it, grab the child and take off to Chris Klein's house. And when that wild-eyed crackpot who is allegedly Suri's father shows up to reclaim the baby, pursued by paparrazi, Chris Klein publicly kicks the holy hell out of him, thereby forever putting the lie to Cruise's action-hero persona and finally ending his shitty, over-rated, tiresome, hams-'R'-us acting career.
S.U.R.I. (Scientology's Unstoppable Robot Infant)
4/19/23 08:49 AM "Hey, Suri? Yeah, it's Pilot Inspektor. We're going to head over to Cinespace to see Cosimo play. Yeah, he's opening for the Juliette Lewis and the Licks reunion show. Cool, cool. See you there. Stay clear."
TomKitten?
Congrats, wackos.
Doesn't SURI mean "pickpocket" in Japanese? Not kidding...
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