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Leaving his Manhattan apartment, Tom Cruise claimed that his edgy and stylized haircut was not the result of months of focus group testing, but rather the result of sleeping on the wrong side of the bed last night. Cruise said, “The MGM research department did not meet with my hair squad to create a haircut to maintain popular internet buzz amongst gamers and bloggers. It’s windy and a bit cold this afternoon.” Cruise also mentioned that he might have used a bit too much hair gel before leaving his apartment.

Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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After living on the planet earth for nearly two years, Suri Cruise finally revealed to a stunned crowd of on lookers that she is in fact, a being from another planet brought here to save the planet. A distressed hedge funder asked Suri if she knew how to solve the current problems with Wall Street, but Suri explained that she first going to focus on solving all of the issues on Main Street.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Well-liked movie star Tom Cruise took on the difficult task of escorting the greatest actress in the history of Broadway, Katie Holmes, out for dinner in New York City the other night. Cruise made sure that his beloved significant other wore an outfit similar to his, so they would not get lost in the blinding darkness of 42nd street. Cruise felt the matching shiny suits would help reflect the light in the night as the twosome slowly moved into their awaiting SUV. Cruise said, “I would be so lost if I ever lost my beloved in the big city. That’s why I have to keep such a tight hold of her.”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Suri Cruise brought the ruckus to the streets of New York on Saturday afternoon. The fashionable toddler’s world appeared to be swollen with disappointment after her parents, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, brought out the wrong stuffed animal to play with. Tom thought that his daughter wanted to play with her Curious George doll in the car, but Suri thought otherwise. Suri Cruise said, “In the future, I would prefer a series of options. I like George. He’s great, but I want to be able to choose from a wide variety of toys. Maybe George and Demarco the pink bear want to have a tea party together. Options, dad. Let’s look into them next around, okay?”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

When asked for his verdict on Holmes' performance, Cruise stopped for a moment while moving through the crowd at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre on Thursday night, telling The Associated Press: "Did you see it? ... It was extraordinary."

The audience collectively gasped when Cruise entered the theater moments before the curtain went up. While anti-Scientology protesters demonstrated outside, the movie star — and Hollywood's most famous Scientologist — mingled and shook hands with some other theatergoers who took photos and clapped. He then hugged Dustin Hoffman, who was sitting a few rows away, which drew another cheer inside the theater. [...]

Not among the observers: the roughly 30 Scientology protesters from a group called Anonymous who demonstrated before the show behind a barricade, loudly chanting "Scientology kills!" Some wore masks like in the movie "V for Vendetta," and one poster read: "FREE KATIE."

Below, video from the Anonymous protest:

• Tom Cruise praises Katie Holmes' B'way performance [news.yahoo.com/ap]
• 9/18/08: Scilons Harass NYC Anons at "All My Sons" Protest [YouTube]

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Doting stage husband Tom Cruise was on pins and needles as he watched his ladylove, Katie Holmes, go through her final dress rehearsal of All My Sons. Cruise admitted that his nerves got the best of him during the performance tonight. “It was just so moving and profound," he said. "It felt like I was giving birth. My water may have broke right before the second act. It was that beautiful.” Cruise went to give Holmes her traditional post-performance hug and a firm handshake, but Holmes opted for the firm handshake instead.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Popular significant other to the stars Katie Holmes appeared to be melancholy after leaving rehearsal for her play, All My Sons. When asked, “Why so glum, sugar plum?”, Holmes replied that she didn’t know where to start. Holmes was mostly upset that nobody admired the Grease inspired pants she wore today. Holmes said, “ My pants look like the ones Sandy wears at the end of Grease. I wore it because, you know, it's dress like your favorite character from a play day. Nobody noticed. Everybody made a big fuss over Dianne Wiest dressing like Laura from The Glass Menagerie, but nothing for me.” Holmes felt that the best remedy for her blues may be to go over to Brooklyn and crawl into a big bowl of mac & cheese.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Valkyrie, Cruise's upcoming flick about the real-life failed attempt by high-ranking German officers to assassinate Adolf Hitler, has been screen-tested for regular ol' moviegoers in Nevada, I'm hearing.

The audiences weren't aware of what they would be seeing because they had been blindly solicited to attend a free movie at their local multiplex.

I'm told most of the audiences were really diggin' the flick. "They liked it," a source says. "Most people said it was a suspense thriller."

Indeed, 7 out of 10 Valkyrie viewers rated the film as "as good or better than Babylon A.D.," though a majority of comment cards also found themselves disappointed by the less-than-uplifting ending, in which a captured Tom Cruise is fed to the Führer's sows as punishment for his treasonous crimes. Look for a much more upbeat and high-octane climax when the film finally hits theaters this Christmas.

[Photo credit: MGM]

• Tom's New Flick Secretly Cruising Into Theaters [E Online]

'I LOVE Paula Wagner, but she wants to produce elsewhere and in her own venue, and I don't intend to stand in her way. I'll say this of her leaving United Artists - whatever Paula wants is what I want her to have! And I hope we'll continue working together on future projects."

So spoke Tom Cruise on the phone with me this week. He added, cryptically: "I don't run United Artists; I just own it."

WHEN I asked Tom why he felt so many people in the business have gone after the Valkyrie" project as if it's a bad idea or something historically obscene, he sighed: "It just doesn't make sense to me either. The moment I read the screenplay I knew it was an important story, and as it's a true tale of heroic resistance to one of the great villains of history, I can't imagine that people won't want to see it."

Cruise's unflappably sanguine outlook has, of course, been what has helped propel him to superstar heights, and never will it be of greater service to him than in this highly transitional period in his career. Still, we'd have expected more from Cruise in his "don't ask me, I just sign the checks!"-attitude in addressing UA's failings. In Hollywood, where blame is flung around like fistfuls of chimpanzee crap on the set of Speed Racer, a clear and focused Alpha-superstar such as himself should be expected to step up and shoulder the blame for development misfires like Lions For Lambs 2: Armaggedon Reckoning.

• A NICE LITTLE CHAT WITH CRUISE [NY Post]

Katie Holmes shocked onlookers by revealing huge black-and-blue bruises on her legs last night.

The actress smiled at waiting photographers, but her navy shift dress revealed the painful-looking injuries.

Despite the late hour, the wife of actor Tom Cruise accessorised her simple outfit with a pair of oversized designer shades.

Here's a theory: perhaps husband Tom Cruise finally tired of lending Holmes his own jeans. In the knock-down, drag-out fight that ensued for possession of the rolled-up denims, Holmes walked away pantsless, with the wounds to show for it. Lesson learned, Katie: when Tom says, "Take a big step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE," he ain't playin'.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• Pictured: Katie Holmes reveals shocking black-and-blue bruises on her knees [Daily Mail]

Famed celebuspawn Suri Cruise was not in the mood to play a game of 'Peek-A-Boo' outside of a Manhattan area pottery store. In fact, Cruise just wanted to hide together. Katie Holmes quickly asked her daughter what the problem was. Suri simply replied by pointing out her mother's leggings. Holmes said, "I thought you liked them. I mean, it's a lot better than wearing your father's old jeans, right?" Suri shook her head 'no' and asked if her mother thought she was one of those girls on those party photo websites. Holmes began wonder to what had gotten in her daughter, but her thought was quickly interrupted. Suri looked directly into her eyes, "I'm quietly judging your fashion sensibilities. Now, let's go to FAO Schwartz!"

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

While much has been made of whether or not this tangent into the realm of prosthetics-and-yak-hair-based comedy marked a new beginning for the faltering superstar's career—or a spectacular start to its end—there's no denying Cruise's investment in the demonic performance, as if he realized what was stake as the cameras rolled. Yes, this is truly one for the ages, with Cruise's unforgettable delivery of, "Take a big step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE" sure to be sandwiched between the Risky Business underwear sequence and Born on the Fourth of July's climactic protest scene in future billion-year lifetime achievement award ceremony highlight reels.

• Tom Cruise’s ‘Tropic Thunder’ Cameo Leaks to YouTube, Is Not Funny [Vulture]

Out for a stroll in New York City, Tom Cruise surprised his wife and daughter on Friday morning. Cruise, who had been waiting for ten minutes behind a SUV before popping out to hug his family, became concerned when Suri didn't recognize him. Suri asked her mother who the man was. Cruise said, "Hey, it's me! Your dad. Tom Cruise. Remember?" Suri shook her name and said that the name didn't ring a bell. Holmes looked over at Cruise with a wink as if to indicate "you know what to do." Cruise sighed and then flashed his trademark million dollar smile and started to dance around. Suri said, "Oh, right. You're the guy from the YouTube videos. Awesome. I love those videos."

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

But, for whatever reasons—and Paula knows what they are—the much ballyhooed $500 million Merrill Lynch credit line went unspent, causing an increasingly nervous MGM chairman/UA remote-overlord Harry Sloan to enact a contingency coup that resulted, directly or indirectly, in a flurry of executive resignations culminating in Wagner's own. The once-moribund UA now returns to the comfortable, ghoststudio stasis in which it stagnates best. But what of the real issue now at hand—and by that we mean What This Means for Tom, and By Extension All of Hollywood, and By Further Extension Every Single One of Us?

Cruise's trajectory lately has been, for lack of a better metaphor, not unlike a Tori Spelling dinner party; it started out promising enough—some nice notices for his over-the-top, Scott Rudin-esque (whoever keeps comparing it to Sumner Redstone hasn't seen the movie) turn in Tropic Thunder—but ended with the actor seated squarely on the career crapper, surrounded by yes-men applauding his every movement. You know the beats: The curious case of Edwina A. Salt. The Scientology racketeering lawsuit. The whispers that he personally—personally!—pressed a pillow onto Isaac Hayes's face in his sleep when he found out the singer planned on donating none of his $750 Sunset Junction earnings to the Church.

Here's MGM's press release on the split, followed by Wagner's own statement:

"Paula Wagner, Chief Executive Officer of UA, has decided to leave her day-to-day responsibilities and return to her first love, which is producing films. As such, MGM and UA confirmed today that Ms. Wagner will transition to the role of a producer under her own independent production shingle and be attached to UA’s most exciting film properties. In November 2006, United Artists was reborn under a partnership formed between Tom Cruise, Ms. Wagner and MGM. Ms. Wagner will continue to be a part owner of UA and hold a significant stake in UA’s future success. Nothing will change in regard to Mr. Cruise’s involvement with UA and he continues to have a substantial ownership interest in the company. Furthermore, Mr. Cruise and Ms. Wagner will continue to work on film projects together.

“I’ve truly relished working with my longtime partner Tom Cruise to revitalize United Artists, and I am proud of all that we’ve accomplished in the past two years, reinvigorating the brand and developing such a strong slate of films. But I always tell my sons, ‘Follow your passion’ – and I’ve got to follow that advice myself. As much as I’ve enjoyed my time as an executive, I have longed to return to my true love, which is making movies, so that’s what I’ve decided to do. I still believe in our vision for UA, and I am confident that Harry Sloan and our colleagues at MGM will see that vision through to reality.”

• Disunited Artists: Who wins, who loses [THR]
• Tom Cruise's Movie Studio Imploding: Paula Wagner Is DOA At United Artists; But Was It Suicide or Murder By MGM? [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

As one source explained to me, the only future for UA was if "Paula calls it a day, or the company implodes on its own, or a gun is put to Wagner's head by financiers and she greenlights things and then trusts in luck..."

UA under Wagner was way behind on the timetable dictated by its financing, I'm told. "Paula wasn't greenlighting movies, so she was about to lose a lot of the money. Her camp is trying to say MGM screwed up. We didn't, she did. Now MGM can get UA moving on at least 2 movies, and make sure they're released by a certain date, to keep the financing intact."

That said, I hear Wagner wants to go back to producing movies, but this time around she'll do it on her own.

Sure, she could do that, but this seems a perfect opportunity to return to her first love: acting. That is, after all, how she got her start, before her frustrated agent sat her down and told her what she really had was the soul of a baby-gobbling negotiator. Perhaps pacing outside a fluorescent-lit casting office, nervously running through her Big Bang Theory audition dialogue for Woman At Starbucks #2, is exactly what she needs to rediscover what she loved about this unforgiving business in the first place.

• Tom Cruise's Movie Studio Imploding: Paula Wagner Is DOA At United Artists; But Was It Suicide or Murder By MGM? [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Nevertheless, his overall support reminds us what a fertile period it is for the villain in American cinema — and how '80s/'90s-era schlock could stand to benefit from an A-list talent injection. We consulted our own casting department for five ideal remakes, and the stars who might push them over the top:

Leprechaun, featuring Tom Cruise as Leprechaun. Both a post-Tropic Thunder capitalization for the resurgent star and a perfect UA palate cleanser after the ordeal of Valkyrie.

Child's Play, featuring Clay Aiken as Chucky. A natural crossover for the Man Who Wouldn't Be Idol. A savvy agent could package this with Aiken's new son as the male lead and Kelly Clarkson as the mother who squares off Aiken's homicidal doll in a fight to the death. The producers couldn't likely tell him about the "homicidal doll" part until after the shoot, but whatever; it's not like he needs a script or anything.

Friday the 13th, featuring Corey Feldman as Jason Voorhees. Feldman broke through in 1984 as young Jason-slayer Tommy Jarvis, but with the franchise having exhausted Tommy's psychosis and The Two Coreys essentially confirming Feldman's own, this match makes itself. Scrap the remake in the works, Paramount — or at least order some reshoots.

Candyman, featuring Eddie Murphy as Candyman. In a PG-rated romp directed by Brian Robbins, Murphy's fat-suited Candyman really does do a number on the sweets shops in town, trailed by swarms of plump CGI bumblebees and playing kiddie snicker-snack with his candy-cane hook.

Halloween, featuring Mike Myers as Michael Myers. Tagline: "Still stroppy."

• Billy Bob On Elm Street [JoBlo]

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Katie Holmes took daughter Suri Cruise to Chelsea Piers in New York City once again last night. While Suri appreciated the outing, she is beginning to feel like all of these late night outings are destroying her sleep schedule. Suri said, "Look Mom, I know that you're supposedly working during the day. Rehearsing and hanging out with the Prom King from Little Children. As if that counts as work. I, on the other hand, am actually doing real work during the day. I'm on the phone with everybody back in the LA office, listening to pitches, attempting to decipher some intern's coverage of a script that I know I won't like but I have to read it anyways because I do a good job, and, I'm playing phone tagging with Shiloh. You'd think it would be easy to get a hold of her since we're in Manhattan and she's on French time, but I don't think her Blackberry gets reception in all way in the boonies. And on top of that, I'm trying to find a little place in Hancock Park. So Mom, maybe tomorrow, we could stay in and order some pizza and I don't know, just take it easy?"

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Two words: family comedy! That's right, Cruise has decided to forgo the title role in the CIA thriller Edwin A. Salt (perhaps inspired by his gender-blind clothes swapping, he's ceded the part to Angelina Jolie) in favor of a mawkish comedy so cutting-edge that it attracted the director of Drillbit Taylor. Says THR:

The A-lister is loosely attached to "Food Fight," a warmhearted comedy about a snooty New York chef who is forced to cook meals at a school cafeteria, with Cruise playing the role of the chef.

..."Drillbit Taylor" helmer Steven Brill had been in talks to direct "Food Fight," but they came to naught; a search for a new director is under way.

Might we suggest Brian Robbins or Howard Deutch? Forgive us for being glib, but when Cruise sees his future No Reservations retread trounced by the Jolie-overhauled Edwina Salt, even a follow-up cameo in Tropic Thunder 2: Let's Get Retarded won't be enough to stop the bleeding.

• Jolie replaces Cruise in 'Salt' [Variety]
• Chef Tom Cruise in 'Food Fight'? [THR]

Look at it this way: If you had $500 million of Wall Street's money waiting to be spent on a few Tom Cruise projects, or maybe on some of these comic-book adaptations we hear are doing OK these days, or even on an annual $30 million rom-com that will land snugly and profitably among the summer doldrums, how fast could you greenlight four to six projects a year? Finke's sources say Wagner herself is the "problem" — as in she, not Cruise, stands to lose the most from a third, fourth or fifth UA project facing the kind of backlash drawn by Lions For Lambs and Valkyrie (the first of which, it bears noting in fairness, actually made money). We sympathize, to a point, but at some point you've just got to pull the trigger — figuratively, of course. After last week's drama, if we heard a gunman was loose in the building, we'd probably give up, too.

[Photo Credit: Variety]

• Another Top Executive Exits United Artists [DHD]

"When I heard about it, I felt really hurt inside," said Special Olympics global messenger Dustin Plunkett.

"I cannot believe a writer could write something like that. It's the not the way that we want to be portrayed. We have feelings. We don't like the word retard. We are people. We're just like any other people out there. We want to be ourselves and not be discriminated against."

Andrew J. Imparato, president of the American Association of People with Disabilities, said he and other representatives from advocacy groups representing the mentally disabled met with DreamWorks co-chair Stacey Snider and watched a private screening of the film Monday morning. Imparato called the movie "tasteless" and said it was "offensive start to finish."

Despite the fun-dampening chant of "Call me by my name, not by my label!" echoing off in the distance, the premiere must go on—and it did, albeit with tightened security and views of the A-listers in attendance blocked off by 10-foot-high green fences, Variety reports.

As for the film's stars and star-writers, here's what some of them had to say about the controversy:

Justin Theroux: "I happen to disagree with them in regards to our film. It’s a shame that they are out there, and I hope that when it comes out, they will actually see the jokes for what they are — a deep cutting satire of Hollywood and the stars." [Us Weekly]
Jack Black: "Everyone has the right to protest. It’s a free country. Anytime that anyone feels that they are justified in their heart, more power to them." [Us Weekly]
Etan Cohen: "Some people have taken this as making fun of handicapped people, but we're really trying to make fun of the actors who use this material as fodder for acclaim. The last thing you want is for people to think you're making fun of the victims in this who are having their lives turned into fodder for people to win Oscar." [MTV News]
Ben Stiller: "It's sort of edgy territory, but we felt that as long as the focus was on the actors who were trying to do something to be taken seriously that's going too far or wrong, that was where the humor would come from. [The joke is on] actors reaching for roles in terms of hopefully winning awards." [MTV News]

It will be the A-listers, of course, who have the last laugh should Thunder succeed in doing what so many other couldn't, and toppling The Dark Knight at this weekend's box office—a movie, ironically enough, heralded by watchdog groups as an "exemplary instance of the disabled as being fully functional members of society, as depicted by Maggie Gyllenhaal's courageous and deeply honest performance."

• Mental disability groups protest 'Tropic Thunder' [AP]
• Tropic' premiere brings protest [Variety]
• Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Face Protestors at Tropic Thunder Premiere [Us]
• 'Tropic Thunder' Director/Star Ben Stiller Says Disability Advocates' Planned Boycott Is Unwarranted [MTV Movies]

And seeing as such allegations clearly wouldn't be insidious enough to defend his late pal's honor, Friedman stops a gold chain link short of blaming the Church outright for Hayes's death:

There are a lot of questions still to be raised about Isaac Hayes’ death. Why, for example, was a stroke survivor on a treadmill by himself? What was his condition? What kind of treatment had he had since the stroke? Members of Scientology are required to sign a form promising they will never seek psychiatric or mental assistance. But stroke rehabilitation involves the help of neurologists and often psychiatrists, not to mention psychotropic drugs — exactly the kind Scientology proselytizes against.

Ugh! Such ugliness — on the night of Celebrity Center's 39th anniversary gala and everything! And just when the Tomfather was getting ready to go legit, too. These guys can't win for losing.

• Isaac Hayes' History With Scientology [Fox 411]

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A Queens resident may have had the highlight of her week or year when she ran into Katie Holmes. Rose Smith was surprised to see the famed wife of Scientologist Tom Cruise, but was shocked to see that she was wearing nearly identical outfits. Smith said, "I would've assumed that Katie's an Anthropologie girl, but she was wearing the same tights that I got at Urban Outfitters. How cool was that? I totes asked her if she needed any help though. You know that blink once, if you're cool. Blink twice, if you want me to get my brother and his truck."

Photo Credit: INF Daily

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

It's a devastating charge that stands to upend celebrity religion as we know it — more details and a brief analysis by the Defamer Legal Team follow after the jump.

We know, we know: Racketeering? Scientologists? But they seem so modest! Nevertheless, as we're learning today, it's not just the Catholics who allegedly have ethics-challenged leeches dangling from the flock's soft flesh:

Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization [RICO] law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

He singles out Cruise, who's made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars."

One of Letterese's beefs is that the church allegedly uses a business book, Effective Sales Closing Techniques, as part of its teachings. He says this violates his intellectual property rights, since he bought the rights to the book from the widow of author Leslie Dane.

A Scientology spokesman refutes all the claims, particularly the latter, which he said was already thrown out of another court. Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields, meanwhile, isn't talking on behalf of his client Cruise. We can't blame him, with previous CO$ scandals implicating Smith and Kirstie Alley both suggesting that the Scientologists aren't above calling in a hit when thetans get out of hand. Indeed, the whole thing sets up a scenario eerily reminiscent of the final shot of The Godfather, where a bellowing Cruise resists Katie Holmes inquiries before relenting for exactly one question about the reach of his nefarious religious dealings: "Is it true?" To which he responds with a blank-faced beat, a long stare beneath her severe bangs and, finally, the modulated, memorable reply: "You're being glib."

• Lawsuit goes after Tom Cruise, church [NYDN]

Produced for an estimated $90 million, Tropic also has been supported by $30 million or more in advertising, a media campaign roughly comparable to other R-rated comedies. Meantime, promo appearances by its ensemble cast have included the three amigos showing up in person on American Idol, the MTV Movie Awards, by video at Comic-Con and at Cinema Expo. ...

All the humor-laced promos, combined with sustained tubthumping by publicists, have lent the air of an event film that's out of proportion to any reasonable earnings prospects.

Superbad, an R-rated comedy released last Aug. 17, opened to $33.1 million and fetched $121.5 million domestically. The Apatow-produced comedy bowed a week after action comedy Rush Hour 3 debuted with $49.1 million.

In this case, Tropic opens a week after Pineapple Express, another gleefully naughty R-rated comedy from Team Apatow. So we've got one stoner flick, one Hollywood satire, both essentially unpromotable by conventional prime-time standards. What could the difference between that and a steaming Ratner mean for Paramount/DreamWorks? Likely nothing on opening weekend, when Tropic could ride to $45 million on Cruise and Downey buzz. After that, though? Watch out for a gruesome bout of box-office cannibalism, interrupted every few minutes by innocent bystanders requesting two more tickets for The Dark Knight. The horror, indeed.

• August's hot topic is 'Tropic Thunder' [THR]

Buzz Cuts Gone Good:
Though they both donned powder-dusted ponytails together in Interview With The Vampire, both Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt's best look to date is the crop cut. Think Cruise in all the MI films as opposed to his Village People allusion in Magnolia, or Brad in all the Ocean's movies vs. that caveman look we never even got to see on the big screen for The Fountain. And for all his demerits, from daring to put down Madonna to failing to ever make us laugh, Justin Timberlake's sole redeeming attribute is his near-perfection of the style.

Buzz Cuts Gone Bad:
We happen to be among the few remaining females still ignoring all those silly gay rumors and clinging to Jake Gyllenhaal's heterosexual plausibility. But every crush reaches a standstill at some point, and re: Jake, that point was officially reached courtesy of Jarhead, which required The Jake to feign military obedience and cut it all off. Despite a yearning to see as much of Jake's skin as possible, we didn't appreciate said skin being exposed so plentifully on his scalp. And anyone besides us feverishly following the depressingly rapid decrease in blooming hair on Jude Law's curiously peaked head knows a buzz cut hasn't resulted in the best aesthetic for the rock heiress-snogging star. Finally, we know she's not technically a male celebrity, but no one proved just how wrong a buzz can look than Britney Spears and her infamous self-shearing.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images, Celebrity Details, Beauty And The Bath, Dark Horizons, All Things D and Dyli.org]

• STYLE IT LIKE BECKHAM: ROCKER JOHN MAYER COPIES DAVID'S LOOK [Daily Mail]
• JOSH BROLIN: I'M 'IN A BAD PREDICAMENT RIGHT NOW' [HuffPo]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

You see, Penelope has been suffering from a very common disorder among borderline crazy celebrities since she was a wee moth — a troubling situation involving a "monster" living inside her, determined to "sabotage the most beautiful moments" in her life. We can only presume this demon tends to follow the same pattern each and every time she says "Uh oh! Here it is again! Go away and leave me alone!": Flashing its diamond-tipped manicure and next season's skinny men's suit from Marc Jacobs, the pinkies-out being scatters a potent amount of fairy dust on ex-"boyfriends" like Tommy and beer swilling boy-fan Matty McConaughey, distracting their bedazzled eyes from the beard they desperately require. Which is sad, considering one of the nicest things her Secret Lives Of Women director Isabel Croixet had to say about the Spanish star was how the sight of Cruz naked is the "least sexy moment in history." Perhaps someone ought to FedEx a copy of Secrets to those Maxim boys, requiring a "correction" in their next issue?

[Photo credit: The Celebrity Blog]

• PENELOPE CRUZ W MAGAZINE 2008 COVER PHOTO [The Celebrity Blog]

10. Tom Cruise, Top Gun

9. Renee Zellwegger, Chicago

8. Keira Knightley, Edge Of Love

7. Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge

6. Rupert Everett, My Best Friend's Wedding

5. Diane Keaton, Radio Days

4. Scarlett Johansson, Lost In Translation

3. Gwyneth Paltrow, Infamous

2. Zooey Deschanel, Elf

1. Heath Ledger, 10 Things I Hate About You

• Kate Hudson Joins Cast of Movie Musical Nine [People]

boomp3.com

Katie Holmes debuted her new look for husband Tom Cruise while visiting the set of the ABC series Eli Stone. Holmes thought the look combined two of her favorite elements: high fashion and being a mom. Cruise nodded in agreement and also complimented her on taking him up on his recommendation to wear gloves while drinking coffee. Later on, Cruise was overheard warning Johnny Lee Miller that, "They don't put that warning label on the cup just for kicks, you know."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

As we noted a few months ago, Tom decided that the best way to kiss and make up with old pals Victoria and David Beckham was to offer the couple a weekend vacation at his own home. Nothing says "Procreate for the good of Scientology mankind!" like a few sleepless nights spent at an eerie secluded Hubbard boot camp disguised as a celebrity's mansion. And a few years ago, Cruise made a similar misstep by presenting his tiniest pocket spokesperson, Dakota Fanning, with a cell phone for her 11th birthday. Sure, Dakota's parents wouldn't let her use it and her lack of any actual friends made it entirely useless, but the alien-esque Fanning sure loved prancing down the street "pretending" to talk to imaginary contacts!

Though it wasn't exactly freaky or strange, Tom's gift of a Segway to Hollywood's resident Paranoiac J.J. Abrams left the mystery man disturbed (but mysteriously!). As Abrams told the NY Times in a 2006 interview, his favorite movie-star gift is indeed the Segway, but his quote frightens us just a tad: "Tom Cruise gave me one of those two-wheel Segway scooter things. I'm still trying to get him back for that." Um, because it was programmed to scoot directly towards COS headquarters no matter which direction you pointed it? Last and, in a way, least, future fugitive Katie Holmes has had the fortune of receiving more than a few of Tommy's bizarro presents. As a wedding gift, Cruise reportedly gave his new bride a $20 million dollar jet, even though Katie couldn't fly the thing and was pregnant at the time. But by far the most classic gift on the list is Tom's genius idea for Katie's 27th birthday present: a "DVD compendium of every movie he has ever acted in," inscribed with little handwritten notes from Tom on each film. Because nothing says Happy Birthday like a copy of Magnolia with "It's not going to stop. No, it's not going to stop. 'Til you wise up." scrawled on it by Tom himself.

• TOM, KATIE & THE KIDS SEND GIFTS TO BABY SUNDAY [People]

Tom's macho, chest-baring role in Top Gun was less about getting the girl than it was about male bonding, a topic the VP's Military Man knows quite a bit about. And Cruise's shiny leather vest and gelled back hair in Magnolia surely taught him a thing or two about squeezing larger than life pecs into confining fabrics, though a quick viewing of Leatherman's moves will provide guidance on how to bust a move when it's raining men.

Tom spent some time propping a rock hard construction hat atop his pretty mane while overseeing a Crenshaw construction project last year, but we're sure some practice would lead to Cruise mastering the VP Construction Guy's ability to wear that hat without mussing up a 'do. Of course Cruise will have to add some bling to his Independence Day get-up to look as tricked out as the VP Cowboy, and we highly suggest he arm himself as the group's resident cop did, while playing a German officer overseas.

And no, we would never forget the 70s group's peacocked out Indian chief, but without any Dances With Wolves-esque parts on his resume, we suggest summoning fellow nutcase and tribal expert Mel Gibson to step in as Tom's mentor. As long as no one mentions the fact that Cruise is portraying a gay guy dressed head to toe in feathers and plumes, all should be well.

[Photo credits