Horseman Of The Sex-Tape Apocalypse About To Deliver Screech Scat Video

Prepare yourselves, for all of Western civilization is about to destroyed by the latest, utterly irreparable tear in the washed-up-celebrity/amateur-sex-tape continuum. This morning's news of a forthcoming Dustin "Screech" Diamond fornication video certainly signals the end of days, not only because of the childhood nostalgia-annihilating debasement of its onetime child star, but because of the highly theoretical sex act supposedly performed by a person whose previous on-screen romantic entanglements were limited to a severe case of Lisa Turtle-supplied prepubescent blue balls.* Hoard the bottled water, cans of tuna fish, and currency in small denominations, for it just gets worse from here. Reports Rush & Molloy:

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us. We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond. "Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it." [...]
Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, said his client has become a successful standup comic and will appear on the ABC sitcom "The Knights of Prosperity." "I haven't seen the tape," Paul told us. "I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."

The working title? Saved by the Smell. (Yes, really.) You may have been hoping for a more outrageous or clever play on the title, but evil this profound must necessarily come in a mundane package.

Of course, this whole story could be nothing more than a publicity stunt to drum up interest in Diamond's comedy career (please?), but we must prepare for the worst. It's better to be huddled in the corner of the basement, counting out a year's supply of canned goods and batteries when the Apocalypse comes, rather than to be outside mowing the lawn while passively waiting for the shower of flaming frogs to pour from the rapidly darkening heavens.

[*We refuse to even acknowledge the Tori Spelling/Violet relationship. Haven't we suffered enough this morning?]

Porn star's name may ring a 'Bell' [Rush and Molloy]
Previously: Screech Is Packing [Defamer]

9:12 AM on Wed Sep 27 2006
By Mark
64,746 views
39 comments

Comments

valet_of_the_dolls at 09:29 AM on 09/27/06
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You know, if it were Mario Lopez...
Nomi Malone at 09:29 AM on 09/27/06
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What, no mention of the anaconda shlong?
windowseat at 09:32 AM on 09/27/06
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Hmmm and Screech has been having financial problems lately..coincidence? I think not.
Riss at 09:33 AM on 09/27/06
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Great, traffic accident porn. It's possible you're going to see something truly horrific but you can't stop from looking anyway.
Transuranic at 09:35 AM on 09/27/06
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This could herald a comeback for the entire SBTB cast. I'm seeing a Screech vehicle where a young waiter/actor/model comes to LA to make it big in the bidness, witnessess a stage performance where a crack addict breaks into a Starbucks to steal pastries, and decides to make the show his own.

The required scone-bukkake scene should have a Dirty Sanchez, um, flavor.

Ron Howard to direct.
Riss at 09:37 AM on 09/27/06
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Great, traffic accident porn. The possibility of seeing something horrific is there but you can't stop from looking anyway.
valet_of_the_dolls at 09:38 AM on 09/27/06
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You know, if it was Mario Lopez...
Panqueque at 09:39 AM on 09/27/06
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Alternate titles
Saved by the Tail: The New Ass Series

...I was going to think of more, but it's too early and thinking about him participating in any sexual activity that specific makes me throw up a little bit.

P.S. I thought he was married or in a serious relationship? Ok. I'll shut up. People cheat everyday, people whore themselves to jumpstart floundering careers all the time. Please don't shoot me in my Bambi face for being not being *completely* jaded yet.
invalid-username at 09:41 AM on 09/27/06
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Anyone who is actually surprized by this raise your hand. Let's just be thankful that this is confined to video, and not some kind of PeeWee style public display.

This gives a new meaning to the word Screech. I have the title for Part II: Screech-marks.
Dave J. at 09:46 AM on 09/27/06
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Connectedness Index: 95

My friends and I believe that this is little more than a performance-art esque "Saved by The Bell: The Adult Years" episode. There is no doubt that Zach Morris has hatched this crazy scheme of selling Screech's sex tape over the internet as a way to impress Kelly Kapowski. Our only concern is that Mr. Belding might step in and foul up the plan at the last minute. Fortunately, by the end of the episode, everyone will have learned a valuable lesson, except for that wild A.C. Slater--he just never seems to pay attention to anyone.
TrixieBelden at 09:56 AM on 09/27/06
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My only contribution is that back in the day (you know, when he was a 'star') he would get mad tail from the extras. It's reaffirming to know that the casting couch is alive and well in the Saturday morning sitcom circuit.
Simpatia at 09:58 AM on 09/27/06
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What, "Saved by the Bell: Screechin' Sanchez" wasn't good enough for them?!?
SirLoin at 10:03 AM on 09/27/06
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Yep, it's about that time to pack up a case of Spam and head to the mountains. And no, I don't have any more room in the cabin.
Mel Gibstein at 10:23 AM on 09/27/06
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SAVED BY THE B.M.
JackieTreehorn at 10:29 AM on 09/27/06
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Is he in character on the tape? God, I hope so.

Dustin Diamond giving some chick a dirty sanchez is one thing; seeing Samual A. "Screech" Powers executing a Cleveland Steamer is something different altogether.
Youdunnome2 at 10:38 AM on 09/27/06
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Saved by the Smudge.
Double Banger at 10:43 AM on 09/27/06
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Am I the only here hoping to see Screech perform the elusive "Angry Dragon?"

That's when one of the girls is giving Screech head, and just as he gets off, he tickles her relentlessly, so that his man-juice squirts out her nose.
livingblinditem at 10:48 AM on 09/27/06
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A very, very special episode of Saved by the Bell
Rickish at 10:58 AM on 09/27/06
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I'm so excited ...

I'm so excited ...

I'm so ...

I'm so ...

scared ...
Procrastinator, Esq. at 11:29 AM on 09/27/06
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Shaved by the Bell, anyone?
Tiger_Tanaka at 11:40 AM on 09/27/06
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These are the risks if you give your kid a porn-star name with no plan "B" after childhood stardom. Is he related to Debi Diamond?

Ack, I can't get naked Screech out of my head. Terrell Owens, huh? Go figure.
pseudopsych at 11:46 AM on 09/27/06
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Shoved in the Tail: too far removed?
Rickish at 12:15 PM on 09/27/06
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Starring:

Zack Whoris
A.C. Masturbator
Screech de'Flowers
Lisa Tittle
Kelly Kabangski
Jessie Spermo

And Dennis Manskins as Mr. Felching
sarahblooms at 12:16 PM on 09/27/06
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I kind of like "Saved by the 'Stache."

I'm learning so much about scatological sex acts today. I know about the Sanchez and the Steamer, but what the fuck is an Angry Dragon?
Bon Jour, Pee Wee at 12:42 PM on 09/27/06
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'Depraved By The Bell'
'Laid By The Bell'
'Splayed By The Bell'
'Sprayed By The Bell'

Ok, ick, enough.

Rick Paulas won by far, though.
SugartitsMcFirecrotch at 12:43 PM on 09/27/06
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Connectedness Index: 20

Wow, this gives him a whole new line of homemade apparel he could sell for his badly-needed crack . . . er, um, house money.

Official Screech Dirty Sanchez bibs, anyone?
Norma Desmond at 12:50 PM on 09/27/06
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Someone's definitely going to get called into Mr. Belding's office for this little stunt!

Maybe that scene is even in the movie!
BoHan at 12:52 PM on 09/27/06
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Connectedness Index: 149

I think the next big sex tape will involve the ratings-embarrassed Mathew Perry and Aaron Sorkin doing a crack-happy Angry Dragon with Amanda Peet.
livingblinditem at 01:05 PM on 09/27/06
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Rick Paulas...you are a Golden God for both of those comments...you made my day/week/year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bogart Shwadchuck at 01:07 PM on 09/27/06
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Highly theoretical sex act, indeed. Dirty Sanchez, Donkey Punch, Cleveland Steamer, etc... all synonymous with "shit that no one has ever actually done, ever".

I'd wager my life on this being a publicity stunt if his manager hadn't already all but confirmed it as such with that reaction.
Get Euphemistic! at 01:49 PM on 09/27/06
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Come ON, people. You got close with "Saved by the B.M." but you should have kept it simple.

Saved By The Bowels

As in: Maybe His Career Could Be...
Mr. Guy at 03:41 PM on 09/27/06
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Saved by the Bell-End
nojo at 04:58 PM on 09/27/06
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Connectedness Index: 62

Since all the obvious ones are taken...

Screech 'n' Sniff
Scout at 06:14 PM on 09/27/06
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I have no doubt, that if I ever saw even a couple of seconds of this tape; tumors would develop in my eyes...
dubman at 06:21 PM on 09/27/06
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Not "Diamond in the Buff"?
sorgee at 08:05 PM on 09/27/06
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They will have to market this tape as a comedy. I really don't think that anyone will get any sexual excitement out of watching Screech. Even my ex-husband isn't that desperate...
Romana Klay at 10:17 PM on 09/27/06
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I've never seen the show -- is it on now? Who would want to have sex with that guy?
jackejett at 09:53 AM on 09/28/06
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big dick and a face to protect it.

i just learned what a dirty sanchez is.

now, i have to find a way to use it in a sentance 5 times today.

jack jett
BunnySkull at 02:27 PM on 09/28/06
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It's obviously a P.R. hoax. One big give away is at that lame "save my house" site he's hawking t-shirts on. He's giving away a ring-tone that says, "Save my house, I don't want to do porn!." Guess the pathetic joke inspired him to take it to the next level. That and I guess he probably still needs to prevent his house from being forclosed.