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Baby's First Fashion Faux-Pas
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Chosen One
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Baby's First Fashion Faux-Pas
biological offspringwatch
Chosen Blobs Won't Crown For 'Weeks,' Says France's Sexiest Celebrity Obstetrician
Twice now, we've dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here:
Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, who is watching over the 33-year-old actress at a French Riviera hospital where she is expected to give birth, called a news conference for later Wednesday afternoon.More »
Chosen Two
Brangelina Enlists Tacky Psychic To Help Design Chosen Twins' Nursery
With Angelina Jolie in her final trimester, the last few weeks have brought an onslaught of Exclusives! that turned out to be false terribles, Bloopers! from co-stars over-spilling details about the impending birth, and most recently, Intimate Details! regarding the exact coordinates and furnishings planned for the Chosen Two’s habitat. While all the murkiness adds up to a few simple assumed facts (the twins are girls, they will be born in France, and no, they have not been born yet), we still can’t help being fascinated with Brad’s inner architect distracting him from any fear he may be suffering regarding the fact that his nervously alluded to “soccer team” dream is kinda coming true. And when nerves and cold feet collide in the form of rumored disputes on how to decorate the girls’ nursery, there is only one person to solve the argument over “60s modern” or “classic European”: a psychic, of course. What “vibe” the all-knowing cosmic guide got from the pair, and an update on that Versailles monstrosity of a nursery after the jump.
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There’s no shortage of sleazy surprises in the world of baby picture pimping. Today, TMZ reports that soon-to-be-dad Matthew McConaughey and his model girlfriend Camila Alves have hired an actual agent to auction off photos of their upcoming newborn’s visage to the major glossies. And the “brand agent” in question, Todd Shemarya, has quite a record — he’s the man behind Brangelina’s record-setting deal with People, and Christina Aguilera’s far less pricey cover with the same weekly. As disturbed as we are that such a man exists, we’re more saddened to learn that former nude bongo player and hairy beach hippie McConaughey would cash in on his first kid. We're actually starting to miss the hobo doing push-ups outside a trailer we'd grown accustomed to. Then again, the $1MM that he's reportedly been offered by three separate spawn-obsessed mags can buy a lot of t-shirts. [TMZ]
the chosen two
One Bad Joke Made By Jack Black Forces Angelina Jolie To Confirm Presence Of The Chosen Twins
Despite the fact that just about everyone and their favorite blog have known that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting two Chosen Ones this time around, heroin dabbler-turned-UN Ambassador Jolie had yet to officially confirm the news. And until a Today Show interview taped today in Cannes, featuring Jolie and co-star Jack Black promoting their upcoming animated flick Kung Fu Panda, we’re pretty sure the very pregnant actress would have kept her lips sealed until the day those magical spawns open their cherubic eyes for the first time. But thanks to an impromptu joke made by Black, Jolie was put on the spot, and clever Today host Natalie Morales took full advantage of it...
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the sort of chosen one
Lourdes Ciccone Leon Looks Less Like Madge, More Like That Other Celebrity Adoptress
Until now, most onlookers have been noting just how much little Lourdes Ciccone Leon looks like her mother, the vitamin-injecting, leg-spreading Madonna. And while she does have her mom's naturally dark hair and piercing eyes, we think the 12-year old mini-Madge looks much more like another pillow-lipped celebrity you may have heard of. Particularly when we place Lourdes' current visage next to the star-in-question's glamour shots when she was just a teenager herself: More »
sibling rivalry
Violent Outbreaks Occur Between Warring Factions Of Brangelina's Brood
We are shocked (shocked!) to hear this, but word on the street is that the lovely and ever-growing multicultural soccer team united by Brad and Angelina isn't exactly getting along of late. According to Star, animosity and friction is growing among the four little Jolie-Pitts, with personalities growing bolder and fights getting messier. And, unsurprisingly, The Chosen One is allegedly on the brunt of most blows. Most disturbing of all? As a source claims, those cushy lips of hers are only getting bigger as a result of actual physical blows from her siblings:
"[Zahara] once clawed Shiloh's cheek after she tried to take her cookie...Angie gets worried when Shi plays with them...she always comes back with a scraped knee or a fat lip!"More »
angelina wombwatch
Angelina Jolie At The Independent Spirit Awards: Is That A Baby Bump or Burrito Bloat?
Come ON, Angie. Now you're just teasing us. After countless denials, brush-offs on CNN, and a downright refusal to fess up already, Miss Jolie showed up at the Independent Spirit Awards wearing a dress so tight we could practically see the alleged twinset kicking their way through her pretty tummy. The black form-fitting gown she wore was hardly maternity wear, and made a point to tell us that we are suckers and she is crafty. Not quite an Eff You to the press, but rather a subtle "I Know You Know What I Know" kind of gesture. Personally, we don't think Angie's obligated to shout her knocked up news from the rooftops, and we actually applaud Mrs. Jolie-Pitt's brazenly ostentatious visual shout-out. Click through to see those future Chosen Ones up close and personal.
powerbabies
'Forbes' Ranks Hollywood's Most Powerful People In Diapers Who Aren't Sumner Redstone
Hot on the heels of their merciless takedown of Tinseltown's most overpaid, the intrepid list-makers at Forbes are turning to the tots as they ask: Who's really the most influential drooling, mute, self-soiling celebrity baby? Lest you think this is some sort of metaphor, let us present—Hollywood's Most Influential Infants. You might think that ranking babies is too insane to be quantifiable, but rest assured that Forbes used an infallible algorithm in their computations:
"To determine which tykes were tops, we looked at both Web presence and press clippings for more than 50 A-list offspring (5 years old and younger) over the course of a year.More »
As long as we're on the subject of a certain high-profile couple and their extravagantly large family: "Los Feliz has the reputation of being a safe and peaceful LA neighborhood. But shortly after 4 a.m. on Nov. 27, gunshots rang out — just 25 feet from where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie live with their four children. Life & Style has learned exclusively that a gunman, believed to be driving a Saab, fired two shots, striking a Range Rover owned by a local resident and hitting the driver's- side window of a camper van used by Brad and Angie's security team. 'It was crazy,' neighbor John Martinez tells Life & Style. 'If anybody had been in the car, he or she could've been killed'." It's certainly a relief that this story seems to have no direct connection to the mag's WHERE'S SHILOH? cover piece; no foul play is suspected in the mysterious disappearance of the The Chosen One from the pages of the supermarket checkout rags, just Jolie's preference for keeping the the boring blob away from the paparazzi until she learns to play to the camera as well as her more interesting siblings. [L&S]
disappointing saviors of mankind
The Chosen One's Modest First Birthday Party
It's hard to believe, but an entire year has passed since Angelina Jolie, swollen with her first biological offspring at the finest resort in Namibia, rang the delicate bell that summoned down from Heaven the host of seraphim midwives who would gently escort through her blessed birth canal the Chosen infant widely expected to usher in an era of worldwide peace and prosperity. Since those earliest, auspicious moments, however, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's messianic career has to be seen as a resounding disappointment, with not a single miracle credited to the tyke over the last twelve months, a letdown that quickly drove mother Angelina to the orphanages of Vietnam to snatch up the first adorable urchin to tug at the hem of her khakis. More »
angelina jolie
Angelina Jolie Prefers Hand-Picked Refugees To Blob Of Her Loins
In an upcoming interview with the UK edition of Elle, occasional actress and globe-trotting orphan collector Angelina Jolie admits that she has a special fondness for the members of her multicultural brood that she carefully hand-selected from the Third World's finest baby bazaars, telling the magazine that she finds it easier to open her heart to Cambodian Maddox and Ethiopian Zahara than to biological daughter Shiloh, the genetically perfect, still-amorphous baby-blob rendered totally, like, boring by her privileged birth: More »
angelina jolie
The Chosen One: Six Months Later
A fearless photographer for Hello! magazine risked the searing of his retinas by training his camera lens on Shiloh Nouvel, the genetically flawless biological offspring of globe-trotting United Nations Goodwill Ambassadors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, in an attempt to document the baby's progress from Chosen newborn to toddling Savior of All Mankind (pictured, gently bathed in the distracting divine light that will continue to fade as she ages) for the future generations of children who will be delivered from poverty, pestilence, and substandard nanny care by the messianic celebrity progeny. We recommend that you only view the other photos from the spread (taken during the family's recent, fruitless orphan-recruiting trip to Cambodia) through a pane of smoked glass, as gazing on the unfiltered Good of Shiloh's visage will result in an irreversible blindness that not even direct exposure to the miracle-brining child can possibly cure. More »
angelina jolie
Angelina Jolie Combines Latest Acting Job WIth Exciting Adoption Opportunities
Long before she devoted much of her time to crisscrossing the world to feed individual grains of rice to famine-afflicted infants with a tweezer, and before she was occupied with the even more vital task of bringing to term the most genetically perfect child ever conceived, Angelina Jolie was an actress. Now that the Chosen One has been expelled from her blessed womb and can embark on her own global missions of mercy, Jolie is ready to once again ply her trade. Unsurprisingly, the role she's chosen for her return to the screen is a weightier one than last summer's fucking-and-fighting blockbuster with eventual impregnator/orphan molder Brad Pitt, which while a fine piece of work in the I-can't-decide-whether-to- rip-off-your-shirt-or-shoot-you-in-the-face genre, would hardly be an appropriate choice for the World's Most Socially Conscious Hollywood Citizen now. According to Variety, Jolie will play Mariane Pearl, the widow of kidnapped and cruelly executed journalist Daniel Pearl, and to keep her next career step in the family, partner Pitt's Plan B is producing. And in another family bonus, the project's likely location shoots in Pakistan should afford Jolie plenty of window-shopping time at the country's overflowing orphanages, where a suitable, race/gender/nationality-coordinated addition to her multicultural brood can easily be selected. More »
angelina jolie
The Chosen One Is Tearing Angelina Jolie's Family Apart
We recognize that you probably didn't have the patience to sit through two solid hours of Anderson Cooper chatting with Angelina Jolie about her many, many charitable works, so we've helpfully condensed the overlong interview down to the only part you care about: when she talks about her kids. Jolie somewhat shockingly reveals that the birth of Shiloh has factionalized her brood—Maddox has embraced his new sister, while jealous Zahara is still suspicious of the baby. This crucial admission reinforces that Jolie's use of strategic adoption is to correct the undue influence of the the newly-formed Cambodian-Biological bloc on intrafamilial policy, not color-balance her children for the purpose of more striking People cover shoots. More »
chosen one
The Chosen One Performs First Retail Miracle
Showing a maturity far beyond that of the average seventeen-day-old infant, young Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt decided that curing the polio outbreak in her birth country of Namibia might be too showy an initial display of her powers, and instead opted for the more modest first miracle of assisting a Denver boutique in moving some overpriced t-shirts: More »
brad pitt
BREAKING! The Chosen One Has Arrived! Look Busy!
We knew there was a reason the African wildlife-modified manger scene in our front yard was shimmering extra luminously. In yet another World! Exclusive!, TMZ.com is reporting that the Chosen One is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, probably certainly among us already:More »
angelina jolie
When word spread yesterday that Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their little bundle of global-savior joy, Shiloh Nouvel, might soon be returning from Namibia to our local shores, we didn't spend much time asking why. There was far too much hosanna singing and "Welcome Home, Chosen One" giant-banner preparation to attend to for us to waste what precious time we had left wondering what might be hastening the trinity's return from their African love paradise. Not for the NY Times, however, who report that the "mystery disease" that popped up around the time of the birth and killed three is no longer a mystery: it's polio. And it's a full-fledged outbreak.
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Hollywood PlagueWatch III: Namibia's Freak Polio Outbreak
When word spread yesterday that Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their little bundle of global-savior joy, Shiloh Nouvel, might soon be returning from Namibia to our local shores, we didn't spend much time asking why. There was far too much hosanna singing and "Welcome Home, Chosen One" giant-banner preparation to attend to for us to waste what precious time we had left wondering what might be hastening the trinity's return from their African love paradise. Not for the NY Times, however, who report that the "mystery disease" that popped up around the time of the birth and killed three is no longer a mystery: it's polio. And it's a full-fledged outbreak.
More »
