Oh, that's a tabloid story? I thought it was the poster for the "Uptown Girls" sequel.

Oh, please!

I hate to defend Brit because she's obviously going nuts, but since when do celebrities raise their own kids anyway?

I'd worry more for the children if we all of a sudden saw all the nannies going out partying panty-less.

For the first time ever, Us magazine is doing something socially responsible, albeit inadvertantly: Britney's going to see that cover and be struck with a revelation--"Oh shit, y'all! I got kids!"

Looks like they're going to have to make room in the men's bathroom for the changing table.

Isn't there some sweet, kind-hearted, underpants-wearing woman out there longing for children who could raise the Federline boys and little Dannie-Lynne Smith/Stern? Doesn't JLo frantically want children? I've never seen her crotch and I hear she's anti-drug and drink.

Since when has Us gone family friendly? All three headlines mention kids.

Madonna's parenting skills>Britney's parenting skills

I wonder if Jayden James is getting a "Baby's First Coke Spoon" for Christmas?

Scientific studies show that "snatch-flashing" is a phenomenon that occurs often, especially when lab rats are continually rewarded for LACK of "talent" in the Great Maze Experiment. On the bright side, maybe Brit's kids will chew through the restraints, toddle next door, and blend effortlessly into the Gibson litter. I doubt they would be noticed...or missed.

Paris seems to have a knack for attaching herself to the noteworthy.

Considering the way Britney's been dressing lately, she'll never need to have that embarrassing "Where do babies come from?" discussion with her kids.... They'll have seen it a thousand times.

Books apparing under the tree at the Spears' house:
My First Golden Book of Drink Mixing
SP & JJ Have Two Slutty Mommies
Hello CPS, It's Me, Sean Preston

Oh who the fuck am I kidding, these kids are never going to learn to read.

"Croc Hunter Kids" sounds like a good Mark Burnett series or PBS cartoon. Aside from the implications of dead daddy tragedy.

Come back Perry The anny, Britney needs you!

M-anny, jeesh.

Anyone else notice that all three headlines in US Weekly deal with kids in some form? Is this a themed issue? And why would they make it sound like Pam ditched her child somewhere?

I never imagined that somebody could make Tara Reid look downright wholesome.

Thank you, Brit Pack. My faith in humanity is restored.

I'm just in awe of Paris Hilton's Gallery of Fraudulent Facial Expressions.

I think she puts Hall of Famers like Jackie Kennedy, Imelda Marcos and Tammy Faye Bakker to shame. Nobody does "fake smile" or "fake 'you caught me in the act of lauging with my hand over my mouth'" or "fake knowing smirk" like Ms. Hilton. Along with her tinted contacts, nose job, extensions etc. she's like a human monument to inauthenticity.

I can't think of any other current celebrity who even comes close.

1) Who does coke off a spoon??

2) When are we going to stop pretending celebrities actually raise their kids?

Hell I doubt anyone has ever seen Heidi Klum w/ kids and her two nannies (though I guess, now, three) in tow. SP and JJ probably have no idea who B.Spears is, and probably don't care.

Britney Spears has made Christina Aguilera's DIIIRTY phase seem so clean.

ps- what is with Paris Hilton and the flashing of coochie? everyone she hangs out with for a minute shows their meat curtains to the world.

Ae38, please reference the comments section of "The Secret Life of Cocaine" from Monday. Plenty of sources for the answer to your first question. See also, "road kit".

After hearing numerous times by Kevin that Britney is just as attracted to females as males, I think she and Paris were getting it on together- hence the unstoppable, never ending 10 days together. All you have to do is look at Paris eating her up with her eyes in many of the pictures.

But don't you seriously think Britney could do better than a lazy-eyed, pancake boobed heiress? Britney could hold out for Shakira level hotness if that was what she was after.

I'm gunna go ahead and call it outright:

For the sake of shock and publicity, Paris and Britney are going to come out and say that they're having a lesbian relationship and Paris is going to ask for the Commitment-Hyphenation™ and change the Preston and Jaden's last names to Spears-Hilton.

You know, with the whole, "I love her" and door opening and public breast exam and all, it seems like the only reasonable next step.

I agree with Trixie...anyone who hasn't made the cover of Crotch Watch 2006 needs to step it up and try to snag them some free babies.

Does Britney think that Fedderwhine won't use any of this in the divorce proceedings/child custody/gimme more than the pre-nup says mess that will soon commence? Why doesn't she just hand the kids and the checkbook over to him now?

And hey, yeah, whatever happened to the manny? Where'd he go?

LRM216, I totally suspected that from the get go! I know Paris has her 'tendencies.' Britney's are news to me, but I figured her highly impressionable nature made her susceptible to Paris's wiles.

The best part about clicking on the US Weekly link is discovering that Elliott Mintz managed to post the first anonymous comment on the page! I hope Britney hires him on, what a keeper.