Defamer
While things certainly seemed touch-and-go for superproducing genius-vampire Brian Grazer and writer/starter war bride Gigi Levangie for a few, uncomfortable months, today's Variety brings hope that their relationship is once again stable; after all, the couple that bankrolls the wife's Jesus-starring romantic comedy pitches for a high six-figure sum together, stays together. Var and Levangie Grazer explain The Prodigal Son, the latest acquisition of eternally supportive husband Brian's Imagine Entertainment:
Story revolves around a workaholic single woman who is set up on a date by her mother. Her date, a handsome, kind and caring carpenter who works at Ikea, turns out to be Jesus Christ, who's returned for Armageddon and settled in contemporary Los Angeles. [...]"It's a love it or hate it idea, but we're not aiming to offend," she said. "He won't be having sex. It'll be a disarming romantic comedy, a story of unrequited love, sort of like 'Splash.'"
Grazer said she came up with the idea while driving around L.A., when it occurred to her that one can just look around and feel that signs of Armageddon might already be cropping up.Said Grazer: "You see something basic like Britney Spears showing her crazy monkey to everybody, you find yourself thinking, is this the fall of the Roman Empire?"
It's a profound relief that the onscreen Jesus will eschew rom-co convention and remain chaste; a scene in which the lovestruck, workaholic singleton and the particle-board-hammering Son of Man she's fallen for against her better judgment find themselves locked in His cavernous Church of Stylish, Affordable Scandinavian Home Furnishings overnight, and after sharing an intimate meal of foraged Swedish meatballs by tea-candlelight, succumb to their blasphemous desires atop a futon He was particularly proud of screwing together with a tiny hex wrench would almost certainly result in protests from outraged Christians, whose faith dictates that their returning Messiah would never ply his carpentry trade at a retail outlet less upscale than Restoration Hardware. But however frivolous you find the story itself, it's hard to fault Levangie Grazer for discovering inspiration for an Armageddon tale (but: "crazy monkey"? We suppose that makes sense if one considers that Spears' anthropomorphic simian-vagina is so mentally unstable that it waxed itself bare) in the hellscape that is L.A. When the End of Days arrives, trophy wives wandering Rodeo Drive will almost certainly ignore the crazy hippie warning them not to accept the sidewalk Botox injections offered by the Four Cosmetic Physicians of the Apocalypse in exchange for their souls, finding the prospect of a free face-paralysis too good to possibly pass up.
- Universal in Grazers' Jesus camp [Variety]
Comments
Gigi must be the greatest piece of ass of all time for him to consider making a a pile of shit like this!
"I don't know how to love him. I don't know why he moves me. He's a man, he's just a man. And I've had so many men before, in very many ways, he's just one more." Evs.
Someone who writes shit like this thinks that Britney flashing her who-ha is the tipping point?
Uh...there was an ass load of sex in "Splash." It was implied, sure, but you couldn't pry Tom Hanks off of Daryl Hannah with a ten foot fishing rod.
Modern Jesus as a carpenter? How original. In LA? She'd better be picking him up at the Home Depot if they want to retain credibility.
A few things:
1) That Grazer pic has got to go. It haunts my dreams.
2) I've built shit from Ikea and I cannot swing a hammer without hurting myself. I think a carpenter at Ikea is overkill it. He might be a backroom stock guy at Ikea who lives in East L.A. named Jesus, but he isn't the Son of G-d.
3) The new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are named Britney, Paris, Lindsay, and Nicole? Sweet.
This idea isn't anywhere as close to evil as Levangie's "inspired by her own life (read: How I Married a Superproducer and Cashed Out)" screenwriting effort Stepmom, where Gigi envisioned herself not so much as a homewrecker but a scrappy and lovable pre-actual-homewrecking-Julia Roberts-type, Brian Grazer not so much as a hair-gel-obsessed, diminutive egomaniac gazillionaire but as a manly and fuzzy Ed-Harris-type, and Grazer's ex-wife not so much as living at the end of the story (as she did in real life) but dead. Creeeeeepyyyyyy.
So, I take it they don't meet on J-Date?
Jew-Jew: I totally agree, that oversized, sun-damaged visage of Grazer has GOT to go (or at least be reduced for Grazer-related postings first thing in the morning . . . yikes!).
Also, I see Jesus wearing a meet-cute orange apron (with his name on it and some "flair" of course) as a Home Depot employee.
I wonder how Gigi feels about Brian's use of the term "crazy monkey." Maybe she invened it, but I don't want that being thrown around in the "heat of passion." I use quote marks there b/c the idea of monkey love between these two gives me the heeby jeebys.
invened = invented. I invened/invented that one right there. Yep, me.
I'm a thirdin' the "Please Get Rid Of That Big Damn Brian Grazer Picture" request.
I mean, damn.
Brother needs to think about a new hair cut one of these days.
For fuck's sake THIS is a sign of the Apocalypse if ever I read one outside of the Book of Revs...instead, maybe they should have their own reality fest called Glazed Over (oh, wait, that's us watching...)
A little piece of me dies every time I see that picture. Brian Grazer is eating my soul.
A hot working-class guy who loves everyone, gets along well with your neighbors, and doesn't want to have sex with you even though he's straight? And then he turns out to be Jewish, and a celebrity to boot? Man, that really is the L.A. woman's dream.
"We're not aiming to offend" he says in the same breath as comparing a movie about Jesus to Splash. SPLASH.
And someone needs to explain unrequited to me... if memory serves, doesn't Tom Hanks end up with the mermaid at the end?
sort of like...'fuckin' awful!'
Whoneedslight, that discussion really belongs on Wonkette.
Now that Santorum is out as a senator, we don't have to worry about any legislative restrictions upon hot Man-on-Fish action.
Sometimes you just feel like the Christians might have a point about Hollywood hating them and being jerks about their faith.
A little piece of me dies every time I see that picture.
It's not hard to imagine Lindsay's holed up in a stall somewhere flicking ashes to the floor, hammering the keys of her trusty Blackberry:
Cast ME for this 1, Brain! Jonny Depp for the other part, or maybe the Borat guy. Call me. Luv, L
Well, as long as there wasn't nepotism involved.
Though I think a funnier romantic comedy would be an I-Love-Lucy-ish yarn about an ambitious Hollywood trophy twizzat and the long-suffering but cutely hapless producer husband who subjects America to her increasingly horrendous film ideas in order to keep their wacky, laugh-a-minute marriage rolling along...
And yeah, I just registered that with the WGA. Any agents on this board? Holla. If it needs a Jesus-twist, I'm flexible...
I must be hopelessly red-state because I think this project sounds kind of cute. I just hope they cast somebody likeable to be the workaholic single girl, and somebody hot to be the Son of God.
Yahoo Serious has a new movie?
"It's like Splash, but the Mermaid is Jesus!"
Jesus wept.
I say mermaids wept, Cookie.
so Jesus comes back as a carpenter at ikea where most of the stuff is overly processed and compressed.
got it.
jew-jew: "3) The new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are named Britney, Paris, Lindsay, and Nicole? Sweet."
fuckin A! Artists, send me your sketches, 'cause I'm commissioning a masterpiece. Extra cash if Lindsay is typing a Blackberry manifesto.
I'm as L.A. as the Hollywood sign, Clare, but I'm with you. It's cute. How about Witherspoon/McConaughey?
I love that the Defamer headlines so closely resemble The Onion's. Excellent work, Mark and Seth.
I can totally see it.
Pestilence-Paris (too obvious)
War-Britney (can hear her coming a mile away)
Famine-Nicole (see Paris comment)
Death-Lindsay (silently sneaks up...typing a Blackberry)
Grazer Strays*, Jesus Pays.
*Totally like so not true. But, hey, what else rhymes with "Pays"?
Hey Sleepyhead - I thought Jesus was suppose to be straight in this project? Or is Witherspoon playing the part of Jesus? Now there is a twist.
nojo wins - who doesn't love Yahoo Serious!?!
I saw Marilyn Manson in the drapery department of IKEA in Burbank once. Isn't that some kind of sign of the Apocalypse?
Seriously Seth/Mark, I thought with the previous story "Three Monkeys Granted Reprieve From Head-Kicking Hollywood Hardship" that you would be retiring him. Isn't he one of them? Sure looks like it.
Nah, Sleepyhead, it's gotta be somebody who's cute, looks good with a beard and is Jewish.
I give you...Jesus Gyllenhaal.
Jack Black needs to be Jesus. I mean, we have Fat Elvis, why not Fat Jesus?
Imagine. All the people. Am I a dreamer? Not the only one, surely. I mean, IMAGINE, ok?
Can't wait for the dinner scene where Jesus brings his Kate Hudson-cute chaste-mate home to meet his mom and swap some wacky immaculate conception jokes!
Oh wait, I just threw up in my mouth.
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