Clearly, Angelina Jolie has given birth to a three-fingered baby (or, possibly, Kristen Wiig). Though it's hard to believe two of Hollywood's most perfect parents could create a non-flawless child, at least there is hope. Angelina, meet new Bond girl Gemma Arterton — we hear she might have a few extra digits to spare.

• Pictured: The astonishingly intimate portrait of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding, taken by Brad Pitt [Mail Online]

After giving birth to twins, Angelina Jolie had a difficult time putting the breaks on the high-calorie pizzas, Hot Pockets, french fries and ice cream she consumed during her pregnancy, Us Weekly reports in its latest issue, on newsstands now.

Her snacking got so bad that a source close to Jolie's French Ob-Gyn, Michel Sussman, tells Us that he instructed her to eat more nutritiously. (She said junk food is "their family's weakness" and even joked about Brad Pitt having a pregnant belly, says the source.)

The source likely misconstrued the tone of Jolie's statement, as the reference to Pitt's "pregnant belly" was no joke: Having announced at The Changeling premiere that the couple are "are going to have more kids," Jolie has opted to give both adoption and her uterus a rest, and instead put Pitt's underused abdomen to work carrying Chosen Family Members Four through Nine.

• Angelina Jolie Couldn't Stop Eating Hot Pockets, Ice Cream After Pregnancy [Us]

Boomp3.com

At the New York Film Festival, a group of scientists seized upon the opportunity to finally ask the question: Is Angelina Jolie the sexiest woman on the planet? The collective closely examined the speciman in her natural environment, the Gotham premiere of her latest film, Changeling. After much deliberation, the scientists concluded that she is in fact, the sexiest woman alive. Dr. Myers, the lead scientist for the study said, “I mean, it’s all there. The eyes, the lips, etc. All arguments and bets can be settled, science has officially declared Angelina Jolie to be super bangin’.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Life must be a permanent vacation for Smart Water spokesperson Jennifer Aniston. Aniston felt that another vacation as on the white sand beaches of Mexico was in order to fully get over the recent split from dorm rock crooner John Mayer, but Aniston still hasn’t been able to shake his memory. Aniston said, “I walk into the resort and somebody at the bar is doing that karaoke thing and they’re doing one of the songs by that joker. Then at dinner, a mariachi band plays another one of his songs. I may have to go to the South Pole if I want to get away from all of my exes.” Then Aniston remembered that it’s cold down at the South Pole and she’s not a fan of snow pants.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Which ultimately amounts to little more than succeeding without Steven Spielberg or Marvel's creative influence. But it will, as The NY Times reminds us, first depend on whether or not Grey can actually make people forget about Paramount Vantage less than a year after the label co-produced two Best Picture nominees before folding into the mother ship. How else to accomplish that, of course, but by courting both Oscar and audiences on the tenets of early 19th-century philosophy:

In a less expected twist, Paramount’s marketers have been building their campaign around a theme taken not from Fitzgerald but from the Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard. “We keep rearranging the words,” said Megan Colligan, co-president of domestic marketing for the studio. “But the idea is: You must live your life forward, but it can only be understood backward.”

Whatever, gang — we've already called our shot for Pitt. Just as long as you leave Deepak Chopra out of this one, you can't really go wrong.

• Paramount Steps Up to Contest for Oscars [NYT]

Also missing (as of Sept. 10) from the rolls were: Rosie O’Donnell, whose Feb. 27, 2004, marriage to Kelli Carpenter was nullified; Sir Elton John, who tied the civil partnership knot with partner David Furnish in England; rock star Melissa Etheridge, whose domestic partnership/wedding to actress Tammy Lynn Michaels Sept. 22, 2003, was celebrated in In Style magazine.

Other producers and directors not on the list include Paul Colichman (here!TV) Greg Berlanti (Brothers & Sisters), Marc Cherry (Desperate Housewives), Bryan Singer (Superman Returns), Joel Schumacher (Batman & Robin), and Gus Van Sant, though Bruce Cohen, who produced Milk, directed by Van Sant, was recently married and did contribute. Max Muchnick (Will & Grace) also contributed, as did David Geffen, partner in DreamWorks, who gave $50,000, and Bryan Lourd, managing partner of Creative Artists Agency who contributed $5,000.

Since when did Hollywood's gay mafia become so recalcitrant? Pony up, ladies and gentlemen, or risk a lifetime of whispered insults and cold, Abercrombie-clad shoulders next time you stop at the Abbey for an innocent, politically agnostic mojito.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw donate big to stop California's marriage initiative [LAT]

• Mega A-Gays Missing in Fight Against Prop 8 [In]

[T]wo days before the Oct. 29 surgery, the celebrity's people sent Trubenbach an email saying they had one condition: The actor would only write the check if Trubenbach agreed to turn over the boy's passport to his foundation.

Dumbfounded, Trubenbach asked why, but got no answer. She wouldn't do it. The celebrity pulled his offer. The surgery was going to be cancelled, Trubenbach tearfully told Brenda Hampton, a friend of hers who is also the producer of TV shows Seventh Heaven and The Secret Life of an American Teenager. On Sunday, with less than 24 hours left before the scheduled surgery, Hampton called American Express to get approval for a $180,000 purchase on her card.

Almost a year later, the kid is fixed up, and we're wondering who's got both the juice to make a deal like this and the balls to pull the plug on the eve of his surgery. Everybody in Hollywood gives, but only a few select charitable souls have their own foundations: The Bruce Willis Foundation has some history with Africa, as does (obviously) the Jolie/Pitt Foundation. Dwayne Johnson's Rock Foundation mission is "to make every child smile," but seems to mostly focus on Americans. Ideas, anyone?

• Zimbabwe village outcast embraced by O.C. school kids [OC Register]

WHAT'S NEW: So Burn After Reading is good — more admirable than likable, really, with the Coen brothers returning to their parched well of overmatched dolts in possession of objects way beyond their ken. This time it's Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand attempting to blackmail a CIA analyst (a bracingly potty-mouthed John Malkovich) whose "memoirs" they've found lying on their gym's floor; Tilda Swinton and George Clooney join in as awkward archetypes of paranoia and aloof, striving America. If we sound glib, that's Burn for you — a plot- and style-allergic screwball comedy that succeeds primarily as an almost-clean break (even Pitt's character is ultimately a red herring) from two decades of recycled Coen tropes.

Alas, it's 20 years too late for some moviegoers, whose Coen aversion will keep Burn and its high-octane ensemble around $16 million for the weekend. That might be enough to surpass the De Niro/Pacino miscarriage Righteous Kill for second place overall, but we don't think anybody will overtake The Family That Preys — or, excuse us, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys. The distinction matters, too: Even with 1,000 fewer screens than Kill, the dude is a box-office witch with a cult following and increasing crossover juice (Kathy Bates!) that'll push Family to $19.5 million in three days. Not that we've seen it — Perry doesn't avail his films to the press — but it's still fascinating stuff; we'll have more on him here later in the day.

Also opening: The chatty, mostly misleadingly titled Young People Fucking; Takashi Miike's acid-trip spaghetti Eastern Sukiyaki Western Django; the flashback-y Jewish family drama A Secret; the enviro-alarmist doc FLOW: For Love of Water; and Matthew McConaughey's shirtless adventure Surfer, Dude.

THE BIG LOSER: Here and elsewhere, we've made little secret of our disdain for Towelhead, Alan Ball's thoroughly revolting, exploitive, amateurish, illiterate and borderline retarded sketch of molesty, multi-ethnic suburban ennui. It's not worth getting into again — that's what Google's for — but look at it this way: Warner Independent Pictures didn't fold because it couldn't compete; it was poisoned. If you pay money to see this movie, you could be next.

THE UNDERDOG: Don't look now (oh, all right, go ahead) but The Women is up to a 9 percent approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes! The comeback is on! Sort of! Still, don't expect some Sex and the City blockbuster shocker; director Diane English can preach gay quadrants and underserved audiences all she wants, but she's only got her cast — not an HBO institution — to rely on. And how much does a Meg Ryan/Annette Bening/Eva Mendes/Jada Pinkett film open to these days? Not a ton, but more than most are predicting on 3,000 screens. We'll call it for $11 million and not a penny less.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD's include the hit Sarah Palin comedy Baby Mama; Tarsem's visually sumptuous Flopzterpiece™ The Fall; the long-awaited (we're serious this time) restoration of the Cinerama benchmark How the West Was Won; the 10th-anniversary edition of The Big Lebowski; and, extraordinarily, Child's Play: Chucky's 20th Birthday Edition. Chucky! 20! Christ, we're like grandparents now.

This is more like it, right? Is there anything better than a week when we won't be writing about The Dark Knight and Tropic Thunder on Monday? And when we can finally throw dirt on Towelhead's fetid corpse? Oh, fall. We missed you. Choose your own adventure, and share below.

As Brad was leaving for the premiere on Sept. 5, a fire broke out at the condo complex next to the Park Hyatt, the hotel where Brad was staying, prompting authorities to evacuate the entire condo complex causing an evacuation of the entire condo complex next door.

"It was total chaos," says an eyewitness. "His security team immediately decided to evacuate Brad to avoid any possible threat. He was surrounded by eight security men and four policemen — it was crazy. It was as if Brad was the president!”

Fortunately, there were no injuries. "A condo on the seventh floor of the building caught on fire, but luckily, no one was home at the time," Stephan Powell, district chief with the Toronto Fire Services, tells Life & Style. "The whole population of the building — save for the affected apartment — was able to go back to their apartments within three hours."

To be clear, Pitt's family was not in attendance — no Chosen Blobs were in danger. Still, better safe than sorry, we say — we've got an Oscar bet to win here.

• BRAD PITT DODGES FIRE IN TORONTO! [Life & Style]

1. Brad Pitt will win an Academy Award. We know the post-Toronto establishment has all but engraved Mickey Rourke's name on this year's Best Actor Oscar (hell, even Rourke has engraved his name on this year's Best Actor Oscar), but taking both The Wrestler (release date TBD) and Pitt's epic The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (12/25) sight unseen, we'll take the aging-backward-on-other-people's-bodies gimmick over the gritty indie comeback 10 times out of 10. Not that it won't be close: Brad Grey will spend more on his old pal's campaign than Fox Searchlight is probably ready to drop on Rourke's, but Rourke will be the more accessible nominee to the media. Look for dark horse Sean Penn (Milk) to split the field late; Focus Features won't settle for another 0-fer in '08.

2. W. (10/17) will tip the election to the GOP. Opening less than three weeks before Election Day, the film will be too muddled to move the Democrats yet irreverent enough to galvanize the Republican base against Hollywood one more time before voting. Oliver Stone will be recognized as the new Ralph Nader.

3. You're going to miss Don LaFontaine a lot more than you think. Otherwise execrable trailers like this one for The Haunting of Molly Hartley (10/31) acquired bittersweet relevance overnight:

4. The Weinstein Company will muscle its way back to prominence. Harvey had a relatively hemorrhage-free summer, closed out by his $16 million-grossing (and counting) Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Meanwhile, Zack and Miri Make a Porno (10/31) left Toronto with goodwill to spare, the LA immigrant saga Crossing Over (10/24) has Harrison Ford, Sean Penn and others channeling Crash, and the company bumped up The Reader for Kate Winslet Oscar consideration. (NB: The Rourke Factor also reportedly inspired Harvey to finally slot his long-shelved Killshot on Nov. 7.) The Weinsteins being the Weinsteins, of course, the operation could crash at any time, but at least the ensuing conflagration promises Hindenberg levels of spectacle. That's our Harvey.

5. Owen Wilson will emerge from, return to hiding after explaining the trailer to Marley & Me (12/25). That is all.

6. The Soloist (11/21) will be better than it sounds. But it sounds great, right? Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx, directed by Pride and Prejudice/Atonement helmer Joe Wright? Alas, the logline: "A schizophrenic, homeless musician from Skid Row, Los Angeles dreams of playing at Walt Disney Concert Hall." Based on a true story, natch: Downey Jr. plays the real-life LAT reporter who befriends him, warning Foxx behind the scenes about the perils of going full-schizo. All things being equal, we like their chances.

7. Charlie Kaufman's Synecdoche, New York (10/24) will be this year's unlikeliest tearjerker. Not just for its devastating, beautiful final act, but also for the probability that Sony Classics will weep red ink when it makes about five cents at the box office.

8. Twilight (11/21) will only be the second-best vampire movie released this fall. You won't find Let the Right One In (10/24) on the cover of EW, but you'll find the Swedish export in a lot of festival juries' hearts since last spring. Half coming-of-age romance and half vengeful horror epic, it picks up the story of a bullied 12-year-old boy whose sweet new girlfriend next door ends up being several thousand years older than she looks — and behaves accordingly. Genre distributor Magnet Releasing might only get this on a hundred screens, but watch the word-of-mouth and top-10-list acclaim bump it into sleeper status by the end of the year.

9. Extreme Movie will open to a $0 gross after viewers confuse it with the other, less-illustrious Movie franchise. But you can be prepared: Extreme Movie is the teen sex comedy starring Michael Cera and Frankie Muniz; Disaster Movie et. al. are the ones whose auditoriums smell faintly of piss. Know the difference!

10. Daniel Craig will miss 2006. Casino Royale was a surprising, sporadically brilliant reboot, but the honeymoon is over: Quantum of Solace's trailer isn't dazzling anyone; the title is stillborn; Sony couldn't settle on a US release date (it finally chose 11/14); and unfairly or not, franchise obsessives want nothing to do with new director Marc Forster. And all this after the Bond curse cost Craig part of his finger. It's a cruel world, but not as cruel as it'll seem after Defiance (12/12), the WWII Jewish resistance drama in which he and screen bros Liev Schrieber and Jamie Bell fight off Nazis during the invasion of Poland. Among the last of Paramount Vantage's orphaned prestige titles, and opening opposite Doubt, an expanded Frost/Nixon and The Day the Earth Stood Still, it's bound to knock Craig back to stardom's second tier for a while to come.

11. Beverly Hills Chihuahua (10/3) will astonish and amaze. But you already knew that.

[I]f Mr. Pitt does show up at an event Ms. Aniston is attending, it behooves him to initiate an interaction.

"The ball's more in his court to be gracious to her and to be a gentleman," says Dr. Fulbright, adding that acceptable patter could include saying how nice it is to see her and congratulating her on her movie.

For her part, Ms. Aniston should avoid being too animated. "Most of us try to be extra-clever and extra-charming," Ms. Vogels says. "It's so transparent. Everyone can tell you're overcompensating."

By the same token, a killer dress and a hot date is great but only if you're not using them as bait or continually checking to see whether you're being noticed.

Finally, it benefits both parties to keep it brief, have an exit strategy — such as meeting up with a friend — and avoid too many drinks, Ms. Vogels says.

Still, we don't see this scenario playing out very well for either party, with Aniston's awkward inquiries inevitably leading to the subject of new twins Knox and Vivienne, followed by Pitt's response, "Couldn't be better — here, I got pictures," and his back-pocket extraction of a dog-eared copy of People's Aug. 4 issue. "Here, you can have it. Show it to... What's his name? Where are you going?" Oh, but for small miracles.

• A tiff at TIFF? [Globe and Mail via MyHogtown]

What worked for Paul Thomas Anderson the year before seemed to backfire this time. ... Fincher couldn't show one long sequence—the usual practice— because he needed to show the passage of time and the different faces of Button (Brad Pitt), so the concept of the movie would be clear. (Telluride wanted fewer, longer clips, but didn't get them until the eve of the showing.)

The other difference between Button and There Will Be Blood is the difference between a Paramount Vantage indie directed by PTA and a big studio director who has commandeered a major movie star and $150-million in big-Paramount resources. Insiders can't help but speculate on the eventual outcome of the movie. Will it get good reviews and be an Oscar contender? Will it lose a fortune? (Is it Memoirs of a Geisha all over again?) The real folks in Telluride will spread good word in their communities, which was Paramount's intention here. But the fanboys are interested in this movie too, and it may not be for them.

To wit, one Fincher obsessive took a stick to Button's tender skin ("I’m still excited to see the finished product, I’m just a little disappointed. Could it be that the film wasn’t what I expected, or maybe not what I wanted?"), while Fincher himself insisted the preview wasn't about marketing or "positioning" — i.e. situating Brad Pitt's name alongside Viggo Mortensen's in the early Oscar brackets. Which, of course, is where it landed almost instantly upon screening. Hats off.

Meanwhile, in Paul Schrader's Adam Resurrected, Jeff Goldblum drew accolades for portraying, and we quote, "a Berlin cabaret performer who survived a concentration camp by playing a dog for a commandant." And if there is a Juno-esque revelation to emerge literally out of thin air, handicappers had an eye on Slumdog Millionaire, Danny Boyle's chronicle of an Indian slum kid who wins on his country's version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. And why not: Fox Searchlight has a horse in the race every year, and even without a stripper-screenwriter subplot or some ensemble, yellow-bus witchcraft, critics love Boyle, and the studio has spun gold from less-likely sources like Once.

Look for more after the Toronto Film Festival, which begins Thursday and will define the film's trajectory — if Hollywood ever makes it to Canada, that is. Good luck with that!

· The Guardian uses the word "triumph" and gives it four stars out of five, calling it "a tightly wound, slickly plotted spy comedy that couldn't be in bigger contrast" to No Country for Old Men, but that the Coens film it most closely resembles is "the divorce-lawyer comedy Intolerable Cruelty." Everyone gets a chance to shine comically, but "Pitt, in fact, gets the best of the funny stuff, [though] has by some way the least screen time of all the principal cast." [The Guardian]

· Counterpoint! Variety hated it. Calling it a "dark goofball comedy about assorted doofuses in Washington, D.C.," Burn "tries to mate sex farce with a satire of a paranoid political thriller," with "with arch and ungainly results." Further, a "seriously talented cast" has been "asked to act like cartoon characters," with everything turned up to a "grotesquely exaggerated extent." [Variety]
· Yeesh. That last one didn't go so well. Let's go back to loving it again! The Times Online also gives it four stars. Noting it's the first Coen-penned screenplay since 2001's The Man Who Wasn’t There, they compare it to Raising Arizona and Fargo (yay!) in its "savagely comic taste for creative violence and a slightly mocking eye for detail." Carter Burwell’s score is a "brilliant...paranoid piece of film music," though if the movie lacks for anything, it's "warmth." [Times Online]

In case it slipped by you last week, Roseanne got off a Jon Voight blast labeling the Oscar winner as both a "used tampon" and "frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu" whose anti-Obama screeds are the bidding of the Republican Party. But Voight's an easy enough target; Roseanne, who's known to blame her worst writing on disgruntled interns rather than 'fess up to blogging under the influence, then took aim at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie — and their kids:

Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party's worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan? ... (Ps....it might be good for your asian and african children's self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.)

Roseanne eventually came around (sort of), clarifying yesterday she only meant to cite "the media's images of [Brangelina that] are smelly and vile." We take the silence from the Pitt/Jolie compound to imply it's totally all good, but in his own response this afternoon, Voight wasn't so quick to forgive:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents. ...

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing. ... I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind).

Look, Jon, if anyone knows defaming, we know defaming, and Roseanne's Anthem was more along the lines of what we'd call "tuneless B-list ass-raping." Anyway, can you even defame a song? It's not like she went in the Washington Times and accused Obama of intending to initiate a bloodbath in Iraq. Ugh! Can't we just vote already?

• Jon Voight [Roseanne World]

• Jon Voight Fires Back [Faded Youth]

DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience.
RUSSELL: Right.
DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each.
RUSSELL: OK!

DEFAMER: We'll start out easy before we get a little more obscure. Here's a gimme: Lindsay Lohan.
RUSSELL: Lindsay Lohan is an actress. I believe she was in a Herbie film? She's become notorious for her off-stage and -screen exploits and her tabloid lifestyle. I believe she has been connected to drugs, sauciness, and sexiness in equal measure, though she seems like a nice girl to me.
DEFAMER: She does love the Brits. She had a British boyfriend, and now she's got a British girlfriend.
RUSSELL: Her girlfriend is British?!
DEFAMER: Yeah, Samantha Ronson.
RUSSELL: That's fantastic! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Lindsay Lohan for her promotion of English sex.
DEFAMER: Here's another easy one: Amy Winehouse.
RUSSELL: Amy has been on several of my television shows in the United Kingdom. She's a very talented and beautiful girl and in my house, to this day, I have a Mexican doll that for a while lived in her hair.
DEFAMER: [laughs]
RUSSELL: You know those Mexican worry dolls? Or maybe they're Colombian. You sort of tell it your worries. She took it out of her hair once, gave it to me, and I treasure that little worry doll.
DEFAMER: Who wouldn't? OK, we're going to get a little harder. Zac Efron.
RUSSELL: Zac Efron is from High School Musical. Now whilst I've not seen this, because I don't think I belong to its target demographic, I recognize that it's a significant thing. It's sort of like this generation's Grease.
DEFAMER: Lil' Wayne.
RUSSELL: Lil' Wayne is a hip-hop artist and rapper, dreadlocked, with teardrops tattooed on his face. He is also known as "Weezy," and this is not because he is asthmatic. He seems to me to be a terrific poet.
DEFAMER: Somebody's been studying his Wikipedia!
RUSSELL: Good, wasn't it?
DEFAMER: Yeah, not bad!
RUSSELL: I haven't done any Wikipedia studies. I just happen to have an interest in Lil' Wayne, because I think he ignores a lot of copyright stuff to sort of rap over it. I think he's a pioneer.
DEFAMER: Miley Cyrus.
RUSSELL: Miley Cyrus is the teenager daughter of "Achy Breaky Heart" singer Billy Ray Cyrus. She is confusingly attractive, and to people under the age of eighteen, she is probably the biggest star in the world. She is the Madonna of tweenies.
DEFAMER: Speaking of tweenies: The Jonas Brothers.
RUSSELL: The Jonas Brothers is a band. They're all actual brothers and they all came out of the same womb, where many have said they studiously rehearsed their instruments. How the Jonas Mother was able to keep an amp in her uterus is one of the greatest mysteries, because them boys were born already possessing an incredible talent.
DEFAMER: How about your familiarity with MTV shows? Do you know of The Hills?
RUSSELL: I believe it's about some girls that go around and get off with people and wear nice dresses. They have the general air of louche attractiveness and easy availability.
DEFAMER: Pretty accurate. Let's move on to some of the news stories that Americans are talking about. Right now, we're all wondering what was up with this Christian Bale assault case, and maybe you can explain it to me. Apparently in the UK, you can go to jail for verbal assault? What's up with that?
RUSSELL: In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom. I admire Christian Bale and I think he's one of the greatest living actors on the planet currently, but we cannot shirk when it comes to good manners. If it's true that he also dropped a napkin on his way to the lavatory, then I think that he should possibly receive the death penalty.
DEFAMER: How about the U.S. presidential election? Do you follow it at all?
RUSSELL: I think that the idea of democracy is an illusion and regardless of who becomes president, the status quo will maintain power. It's irrelevant who you select as the totem of power in the country, because the country will be run in the same way — but I would rather have a black president than a white one. I would have ideally liked a hermaphrodite president, if it was up to me entirely, but until a hermaphrodite stands, I'll support Obama.
DEFAMER: Maybe we'll get there someday.
RUSSELL: Well, one can only hope that the rights of hermaphrodites will be recognized! Yeah, a hermaphrodite president — I just haven't found a hermaphrodite whose policies I agree with, even though I do like the idea of having mutual, opposed genitals.
DEFAMER: Lastly, I want to know your thoughts on the most important issue of our time...
RUSSELL: Yes.
DEFAMER: ...Brad and Angelina just had the twins.
RUSSELL: Thank God. The thing is that they're both so stupidly beautiful and good-looking and attractive that their children are born looking gorgeous! It's unsettling. That first one they had, she had sort of a Marilyn Monroe mouth. I don't think they should breed, those two people. I think their adoption policy is probably better because when their genes come together, it creates a storm of attractiveness so potent that it could one day bring down the planet.
DEFAMER: And no one needs all that on a baby.
RUSSELL: No one needs that on a baby! No one needs a baby with eight-inch-long eyelashes.
DEFAMER: All right, Russell. Congratulations on passing your quiz!
RUSSELL: Pretty good, wasn't it? Didn't I do well?

According to an industry source exclusively to CoverAwards, the People Magazine cover featuring Brad Pitt and Angelina’s twins allegedly sold 2.5 million copies on the newsstand.

What were they expecting to sell?

If this is the case, it would be a “huge disappointment as Time Inc. was predicting it would be well over 3 million after spending nearly $6 million,” according to the source.

Stunned at their decreased drawing power, a dejected Jolie-Pitt clan retired to their French chateau to plot their next move: a combination birth/adoption that will see Jolie sign papers to parent a Sengalese orphan as Pitt simultaneously delivers their next child using only a porkpie hat and his bare hands.

• CoverAwards’ Exclusive: People Magazine’s HUGE Disappointment with Brad & Angelina Twins’ Cover [Cover Awards]

• Meet Vivienne & Knox Jolie-Pitt [People]

The cost of the photos has yet to be officially disclosed, with most estimates ranging between $10 million and $15 million and any proceeds going straight to charity. Really, though, no charity is greater than the soft, pulsating glow sure to radiate forth from little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, their infant peace held over from an extended, restful sojourn in the Presidential Suite of celebrity uteri. People got a bargain.

• See the First Photo of Brad & Angelina's Twins [People]

• People mag snags US rights to Jolie-Pitt twin pix [AP]

Buzz Cuts Gone Good:
Though they both donned powder-dusted ponytails together in Interview With The Vampire, both Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt's best look to date is the crop cut. Think Cruise in all the MI films as opposed to his Village People allusion in Magnolia, or Brad in all the Ocean's movies vs. that caveman look we never even got to see on the big screen for The Fountain. And for all his demerits, from daring to put down Madonna to failing to ever make us laugh, Justin Timberlake's sole redeeming attribute is his near-perfection of the style.

Buzz Cuts Gone Bad:
We happen to be among the few remaining females still ignoring all those silly gay rumors and clinging to Jake Gyllenhaal's heterosexual plausibility. But every crush reaches a standstill at some point, and re: Jake, that point was officially reached courtesy of Jarhead, which required The Jake to feign military obedience and cut it all off. Despite a yearning to see as much of Jake's skin as possible, we didn't appreciate said skin being exposed so plentifully on his scalp. And anyone besides us feverishly following the depressingly rapid decrease in blooming hair on Jude Law's curiously peaked head knows a buzz cut hasn't resulted in the best aesthetic for the rock heiress-snogging star. Finally, we know she's not technically a male celebrity, but no one proved just how wrong a buzz can look than Britney Spears and her infamous self-shearing.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images, Celebrity Details, Beauty And The Bath, Dark Horizons, All Things D and Dyli.org]

• STYLE IT LIKE BECKHAM: ROCKER JOHN MAYER COPIES DAVID'S LOOK [Daily Mail]
• JOSH BROLIN: I'M 'IN A BAD PREDICAMENT RIGHT NOW' [HuffPo]

”I was pouring blood. I threw myself at them, put blood all over them, and told them that I had HIV so they would stop hitting me...The forest belongs to everyone.”

But from the sound of it, Pitt disagreed so vehemently with this last statement that the actor underwent a Hulk-like transformation into Tyler Durden, and joined this fight club himself:

The scene, reminiscent of that infamous slapstick evening when a NY pap jumped on top of Lindsay Lohan’s car and called it a hit-and-run, is similarly described in very different ways by Goursolas and Tony Webb, the guard at the center of the action. But figuring out who to believe means figuring out whether or not Pitt really morphed into our favorite rippled muscle man role in his steadily dimming archive. Despite the pap’s claim that the guards “hit him with a walkie-talkie, punched and kicked him, leaving a head wound that required three stitches,” Webb and his Chosen Two-protecting soldiers are the only ones who left a local hospital with nostalgically-termed “doctor’s notes” giving them four days off-duty. So as much as we enjoy the vision of Pitt storming out of his chateau shirtless, fists clenched, and telling the pap that “what you are doing is bad!”, doctor’s notes speak a bit louder than colorful words.

• POLICE: PAPARAZZI, GUARDS, FIGHT AT BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE'S CHATEAU [NYDN]

Even though its B.O. numbers didn't exactly scream "Sequel!", the folks behind 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair, also known as Yet Another Chance For Pierce Brosnan To Convince Us He's Charming, are in pre-production mode for the second installment, slated for a 2009 release. The film's original female lead, Rene Russo, intelligently declined to participate in the inevitable disaster, leading producers to seek out Jolie as her replacement. The only glitch? Said folks have worked with Jolie before on Wanted, and reportedly fear another round of Lohan-esque fainting spells the then-skinny-as-a-rail Jolie kept experiencing while on set. As a result, they're said to be requiring their leading lady to pack on 30 pounds. As in, now. One week after giving birth to twins. Which begs the question: is it possible that Jolie has sped far ahead of post-pregnancy slim fast stars Jessica Alba and J. Lo in shedding her tent-dress-requiring baby weight already? And if not, why the need for this unnecessary sequel to star such a "weighty" co-star?

Ah, yes. The role is that of an "action woman." Because Jolie hasn't ever portrayed a gunfire-equipped, stunt scene-ready, action hero before or anything.

[Photo credits: X17, Wireimage]

• EXCLUSIVE: ANGELINA JOLIE'S TWINS CONCEIVED THROUGH IN VITRO [Us]
• ANGELINA JOLIE'S WEIGHTY ROLE [Female First]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

A hearty congratulations to Suri Cruise, whose highbrow taste in designer duds earned her a spot at the very top of the list (in full, here). And Tom's "stylish" little prisoner's ensemble this past 4th of July, with her flag antennae and plaid jumper, really showcase the 2-year old's sartorial eye. Shiloh pouted her way into second place, while none other than Violet Affleck received the bronze. Yes, pairing thick socks with that Ugg-ish footwear fad, "vibrant baby Crocs," really warrants the fashion spotlight. But we do award bonus points to OK! for including "typical hipster" Matilda Ledger on the list — Matilda's uncanny resemblance to her late dad is surprisingly comforting, especially in photos of the adorable 2-year old smiling.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash, Aussiebubblog]

• HOLLYWOOD'S BEST DRESSED LITTLE GIRLS [OK!]

—The mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, went before the cameras Saturday evening with Knox Leon's birth certificate; officially carved from Jolie's belly at 6:27 p.m., he was one minute older than little sis Vivienne Marcheline.

—Jon Voight is excited, even if he apparently had to pass along his grandfatherly love through second-rate gossip conduit Pat O'Brien and has yet to be summoned to his daughter's bedside. But! "If I were called today, I'd be there," he added.

—And seriously, Jolie would have called, except she and Pitt were having too much fun in the delivery room. No, really, said Dr. Michael Sussman: "It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy. ... Saturday was a great day for us all."

—First photos of the blobs could fetch up to $20 million. We don't want to talk about it.

—Can't stand to live in a world without a pregnant Brangelina? US Weekly has just the remedy: The official "Angelina's Bump Days" memorial slideshow. And yes, Mary Hart — it's real. Or was, anyway.

[Photo Credit: AFP]

It's been a week since the hoards of press gathered at the Jolie-approved press conference to learn that nothing has happened, is happening, will happen for "weeks to come." And without vital information such as this, the media was forced to gather these stories from the next best source: disgruntled hospital staff.

"I think she's in meltdown mode. She's been getting upset if there's not enough ice in her glass."

To be fair, an adequate amount of ice, a perfect drink makes.

But far worse, Jolie has abandoned her typical Jolie behavior like tatoo-ing Mr. Jolie's back or proudly commending Maddox on his Charlton Heston-y ways and instead, has morphed into some sort of mousy-haired housewife from Kansas:

She's not walking around anymore. She doesn't even take a shower early in the morning. She just stays in bed, talking on her phone, typing on her computer, reading magazines and watching TV.

Luckily, Jolie will soon return to her Benetton-approved family and enjoy adequately iced beverages because the World's Most Important Pregnancy is scheduled to conclude via c-section on Tuesday.

"Shit," said the unborn twins.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Heavily pregnant Angelina Jolie 'fed up and can't wait for twins to be born' [Daily Mail]

[Photo credit: AP]

• Angelina Jolie [news.yahoo.com]

And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!

Apparently Damon held out hope that he might join George Clooney and Brad Pitt among the only actors to nab the cover two years in a row, despite the fact that the two former tiara winners all but bent over in a public campaign to name him last year's winner. Initially joking to the mag on a recent red carpet about his fears of losing the crown, Damon launched into an explanation regarding his current aesthetic: "It wasn't necessarily that I needed to be fat...it was that I needed to be 'doughy.'" And Matt even apologetically curses his age for the ability to gain weight so quickly, adding that he used to be able to maintain his girlish figure while inhaling burgers and beer but, now that he's in his 30s, those habits only helped his transformation. We personally think Damon should stop being so defensive about the new look — any time he can aid off-the-radar buddy Ben Affleck in making