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Baby's First Fashion Faux-Pas
The Cutthroat World Of Celebrity Toddler Fashion Just Got A Little More Fierce
Poor little Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt. Not only does she face a future of scratch marks on her chubby cheeks wielded by notoriously jealous Zahara, but the female half of the Chosen Twins has to compete with older sister Shiloh for a spot on Hollywood’s Best Dressed Little Girls list. OK! has released their juvenile version of Mr. Blackwell’s annual rundown, awarding gold stars to everyone from newborn Harlow Madden, with her “mix between chic and rock,” to 2-year old Shiloh’s ability to “navigate the line between girly glam and tomboy cutting edge.” Yes, well done, Chosen One. What skill and grace it must take to lie back, spit up a few gaga goos, and wait for personal dresser Brad Pitt to equip you with a pricey new cashmere-and-diamond onesie. The rest of the list, including the mag’s pick for #1 most fashionable little doomed diva, after the jump. More »
godsends
The Chosen Two Cometh! World Gets on With Life Without Pregnant Brangelina
Congratulations this morning to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the latter of whose womb has reportedly yielded its blobby, twinsy bounty at last. We think. It's official, isn't it? The Chosen Two are here? After InTouch called it Saturday afternoon, Extra overrode it an hour later and the rest of the world simply hedged somewhere in between until Jolie's exhausted doctor fled the delivery room craving a stiff drink, we can finally, confidently move on to the postgame show. Select reactions, including an overjoyed grandfather, and a French bureaucrat with paperwork, after the jump: More »
biological offspringwatch
Still Pregnant Angelina Jolie Demands Salmon, Refuses To Shower; Twins Understandably Stay Put
It seems that Nice's favorite "very, very nice" patient and her well-appointed womb has taken a turn toward Grumpyville. Nearing the end of her seemingly endless gestation period, Angelina Jolie has grown tired of her hospital/hotel and its Michelin Star-less menu and has started demanding that salmon be brought in from other Clooney-approved restaurants. And, more ominously, reports have surfaced that Jolie has abandoned her strict one-shower-a-day regimen. A collective gasp... More »
biological offspringwatch
French Hospital Forced To Cover Its Windows For 'Zat High-Maintenance Beetch' Angelina Jolie
As we round the corner onto the 17th month of weist-loss guru Angelina Jolie's seemingly interminable pregnancy (we're picturing the twins refusing to come out until the winner of their marathon, inter-uterus Boggle tournament is finally determined), the AP brings us this photo taken outside the Lenval Hospital in Nice, where Jolie is currently checked in under the assumed name of "J. Aniston." In it, a hospital worker can be clearly seen applying some kind of top-secret, high-tech material, developed by scientists at France's struggling space program, that effectively prevents any photographers from capturing any member of the Jolie-Pitt clan on film. (Amazingly, anyone else who happens to be in the room develops just fine, resulting in eerie shots of a staff of nurses and doctors fussing over empty space.)
[Photo credit: AP]
- Angelina Jolie [news.yahoo.com]
The Clip Show
The Lost Boy
· Corey Haim spent an entire segment of The Two Coreys surfing the Defamer comment section and walked away emotionally damaged. But darker days are looming ahead.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to the Chosen Twins! No wait, it was just another false alarm.
· McLovin and some starlets, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some little McLovins in a baby carriage! But wait, watch out for that lightning storm!
· Madonna's frosty marriage to Guy Ritchie came thisclose to breaking down this week when reports surfaced that she's been fielding grounders from New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. And Lenny Kravitz has something to do with it.
· Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. But don't fret! There's a Friends movie on the way (maybe).
· We wished the happiest of happy birthdays to Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise.
· We busted out our long lost graphing calculator and got all scientific on your asses by examining the comedic rise and fall of Mike Myers.
· Nude Nicole Kidman vs. the fully clothed Katie Holmes proved to be an uneven fight.
· Fanboys from sea to shining sea creamed their collective jeans when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green. Brett Ratner called dibs and already has some erotic literature ready for their first date.
· Denise Richards carefully explained to her 13-year-old nephew exactly what a threesome is.
· At long last, anal lubricant got the recognition it so justly deserves.
And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!
how ya like them apples?
Matt Damon's Weight Gain Puts Him In The Running For 'Sexiest Schlub Alive'
Formerly a featured member of the Rapid Downsize club currently bowing down to newly slim star Colin Farrell, Matt Damon has notably chunked up for his role in the true story of an FBI whistleblower in Steven Soderbergh's The Informant. And despite the part's fun-filled requirements that he stop going to the gym and live on sweet potato pancakes with crème fraîche, Damon is reportedly feeling more than a bit self-conscious about his new frame. While Ben Affleck has taken the opportunity to relive his glory days as a funny sidekick, lashing out at Damon by nailing one-liners like "the man has to buy two seats on an airplane!", chubby Matt is fearing the month of November, when People announces his successor as "Sexiest Man Alive." More »
biological offspringwatch
Chosen Blobs Won't Crown For 'Weeks,' Says France's Sexiest Celebrity Obstetrician
Twice now, we've dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here:
Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, who is watching over the 33-year-old actress at a French Riviera hospital where she is expected to give birth, called a news conference for later Wednesday afternoon.More »
biological offspringwatch
Angelina Gives Birth! For Real This Time! Or Not! Don't Ask Us! We Just Work Here!
A little over a month ago, typically dependable celebrity-water-breaking newssource ET reported that Angelina Jolie had birthed conjoined-lifemate Brad Pitt's second batch of genetic progeny. But just as the world prepared to deliver a thunderous "Hazzah!" for Chosen Ones Numbers 2 through 3, the story was debunked, and a low moan of disappointment rolled across the land. Still, she can't hold on to those little messiahs forever—they'll eventually want out. In fact, one French publication called Closer (a brief look at their website suggests they cater to that lesser-sophisticated segment of France's population who demand access to exclusive photos of Really Skinny Colin Farrell) claims they are already here! From HuffPo:
More »En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu'Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr
The Chosen Two
Angelina Jolie Rumor Mill: Heroin Babies, Prosthetic Bumps, And Chosen Preemies?
Only when we accidentally stumble upon Ted Casablancas and his long-winded, sinewy blind items do we realize how sorely we’ve missed them. The painfully obvious hints, the ridiculous nicknames – and today, one of the first blind items we’ve read in a while that doesn’t out any closeted actors:
“Ms. Ferocity knows damn well if she keeps up the drugs like most of her addicted colleagues have, she’ll say buh-bye to everything she’s nabbed… that is why Fake à la employs some of Hell-Ay’s fanciest docs, their specialty being weaning famous folks off drugs via synthetic goodies that’ll make anybody’s bad day a tad more doable.”
Though Ted makes it crystal clear that Ms. Ferocity is the busting-at-the-seams Angelina Jolie, the idea that Jolie would risk turning the Chosen Two into heroin babies seemed out of the question until we heard yet another rumor that (gasp!), the cherubs not only have already been pushed out, but are holding on for dear life:
More »
Lists
Three Reasons Why Madonna Will Never Have 'Incredible Sex' With Guy Ritchie Again
The seven-year itch has reportedly struck the unusually long and strong union between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, but news of the split isn’t exactly sending anyone into shock. It was only three years ago when Madonna practically divorced her frostylocks husband on television, telling the world in an MTV documentary that she “wanted to end everything,” and that Guy hadn’t lived up to whatever S&M-loving, hotel room-wrecking ideal she’d “imagined him to be.” But we’re not so sure the soft-spoken director of speedy-spoken indie flicks was necessarily the problem child in this couplet. Considering Madonna’s behavior over the past year or so, scented ever so slightly with desperation and Justin Timberlake’s ass cheeks, we came up with three of the most likely reasons we think the love story went sour: More »
paging brad pitt
Jennifer Aniston And Cameron Diaz Exchange Sloppy Seconds
Just when Hollywood has seemingly runs out of ideas, it appears that the city of Los Angeles has also run out of dateable men. Two of Tinseltown's most eligible bachelorettes, Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz, have searched far and wide for the right arm candy, only to wind up scraping the bottom of the boy barrel. And their respective plights have gotten so dismal that the "sex-obsessed" blonde and "clingy" brunette are now swapping leftovers. As we already know far too well, Aniston has been gritting her teeth through this summer's most mysterious celebrity relationship with John Mayer, one of Diaz's former flings. And rumors earlier this month linking Diaz to a certain cokehead model have gained credibility after the actress was photographed out and about with the pretty-but-pretty-dumb Paul Sculfor. But the tale turns even more tragic: yet another sorry excuse for a man has nailed both A-listers, and managed to walk away the winner: More »
adaptations of the damned
Angelina Jolie No Closer to 'Atlas Shrugged' Marathon as Director Officially Drops Out
We're not sure how many impatient fans it takes to make something "long-awaited," but we'll give Lionsgate's Angelina Jolie-starring adaptation of Atlas Shrugged the benefit of the doubt — especially now that the attached director Vadim Perelman has officially left Objectivist headquarters:
It may or may not still be moving forward, but I have it from the most reliable source possible — Perelman himself — that it will not be going forward with him at the helm. ... Perelman was attached, and I can say with as much certainty as one can possibly have about a situation like this that the decision to step down was on Perelman's side.More »
asian invasion
Steven Spielberg, DreamWorks Ready to Join Other Hollywood Players Outsourced to India
Months of speculation over whom DreamWorks might be courting to help underwrite its ugly exit from Viacom ended late Tuesday when The Wall Street Journal reported that Reliance ADA Group, a massive Indian conglomerate, is close to sinking $500 million to $600 million into Steven Spielberg's breathless bid for autonomy. As presumed, the deal would expedite David Geffen's eventual departure from the DreamWorks fold and allow Spielberg to keep the DreamWorks name, if not the projects currently in development with Paramount/Viacom — alas, Transformers 2 stays behind. CEO and Spielberg right hand Stacey Snider would follow as well.
The rest of the picture is still taking shape, but after the jump we have a few educated guesses as to where things might land — and it looks curiously like Bollywood.
More »
Mating
Momentous Occasion Alert! John Mayer And Jennifer Aniston Officially Rub Our Faces In Their 'Relationship'
Like that old car wreck cliché, the John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston quasi-relationship remains shamefully impossible to look away from. So glance away we shall. After getting caught slobbering in pools, then attempting to trick photographers by making separate exits post-dinner in New York, the Cougar Queen and her cad were most recently spotted gazing into each other’s vacant eyes on Courteney Cox’s balcony. But last night marked a (Very Exciting!) turn of events in which the closeted couple boldly went where every closeted couple eventually goes: agreeing to be photographed side by side, smile to smile, with nary a sign of resistance. Where the so-boring-they’re-exciting couple grandly outed their union, and which enablers were present, after the jump. More »
penis envy
Chris Martin Has Brad Pitt Penis Envy
We may not be the president of often smug, S&M footwear devotee Gwyneth Paltrow’s fan club, but based on husband Chris Martin’s recent cover story in Rolling Stone, we may consider joining based solely on her taste in men. The Coldplay front man, deemed “The Jesus Of Uncool” on the mag’s cover, gives an interview that reveals that thoughts both homoerotic and apocalyptic (not to mention a severe case of Brad Pitt Penis Envy) are running through his brilliant but damaged head. Our favorite moments after the jump unmask Martin’s incredibly forthright confessions regarding his assurance that Barack Obama will "fuck up" America for good, his lifelong love affair with “fantastic” boobs, and the apparent gay phase he went through while growing up. For example: More »
Power Lists
These Are Your Gods Now: Forbes Announces Its Celebrity 100
Having teased us already with a Celebrity 100 "drop-offs" list that included some of the brightest and most bankable names in the entertainment universe (they. did. not. just. say. Tom. Hanks—omgzyestheydiiiiddd), anticipation for the actual Celebrity 100 list—your annual ranking of the The World's Most Powerful Celebrities™ as verified by a team of accredited powerologists at the Forbes Institute for the Advancement of Obscene Wealth and Judgment-Summoning False Idolatry—was higher than ever. As always, Oprah Winfrey sits comfortably at the very top of the list, her $978 trillion empire affording her the luxury of purchasing everyone else in the top 100 for distribution among audience members as one of those "personal celebrity slaves I simply can't live without" on her next Favorite Things episode.
More »
Tattoos
Angelina Jolie Admits She Was The Body-Doodling Mastermind Behind Brad Pitt's Mystery Tattoo
In a "candid Q & A" with a still-pregnant-as-of-press-time Saint Angelina, EW covers a great many topics, but it was their bold line of questioning regarding a mysterious apparition that most interested us. Like the face of the pillow-lipped, orphan-collecting altruist herself, whom we recently discovered on a sacred Eggo waffle (and which we ended up smothering in syrup and consuming against our better judgment), a tattoo appeared seemingly out of nowhere on the lower back of her genetically perfect life-partner, Brad Pitt. It's meaning was not known. Some postulated that it might be an ancient map leading to a lost glass-headed alien temple deep in the South American jungle. We ourselves thought we had cracked the Brad Coinslot Code when an anonymous caller with an impenetrably thick Italian accent phoned in a bogus tip. As it turns out, however, it was nothing quite so arcane:
More »What's the deal with Brad's new tattoo?
I drew that. We went to Davos. It's not that we were bored at the World Economic Forum, but one night we didn't have anything to do, so I was drawing on his back.
