In Which We Attempt to Decipher Brad Pitt's Picture of Angelina Jolie Breastfeeding

Angelina Jolie Sought Postpartum Solace Inside A Steaming Hot Pocket

Having produced now a total of three individual Rapture-hastening blobs from her fertile loins, Us Weekly—in an Angelina Jolie Junk Food-Gobbling Exclusive!— reports that the actress has managed to lose the Chosen Twins weight. We can hear you now: Angelina Jolie is capable of accumulating unwanted weight? But that's the kind of thing that happens to genetically imperfect mortals who have yet to rescue even a single motherless child from a developing nation! Well, hold on to your hats, as Jolie also reportedly developed an ugly addiction to that mass-market Calzone of Doom, the Hot Pocket:

Uncomfortably Close With Angelina Jolie

Vacation, Meant To Be Spent Alone

Old Man Brad Pitt Still Front-Runner as Oscar-Hungry Paramount Pushes 'Button'

Spielberg Follows Brad Pitt's Gay-Positive Lead, Actual Gays MIA

Which A-List Actor Yanked $180,000 He Promised For An African Child's Surgery?

We don't generally turn to inspirational humanitarian news for our gossip, but that's where we found sort of an accidental blind item hiding in plain sight over the weekend. According to the OC Register, a 17-year-old Zimbabwean boy named Beloved traveled to the States last year for reconstructive surgery on his face; he had been disfigured in a land-mine explosion when he was 10. The cost: $180,000, which a charity administrator named Jennifer Trubenbach had reportedly wrangled from a "movie star, whose face is a common sight in celebrity magazines." And why won't she name him? Because the next thing she knew, the star yanked the cash:

Coens, Cops and Tyler Perry Take on 'The Women' in Fall's First Battle Royale

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your weekly guide to peaks, valleys and pratfalls among the latest new movies in theaters. And finally, after consecutive weekends when we thought God had up and abandoned us with the feral makers of College and Disaster Movie, we have some real films to write about. So read on for our typically expert preview of what's what at the box office, including Coen surprises, Alan Ball atrocities, potential ladyfights, timely new DVD's and one melodrama to rule them all. As always, our opinions are our own; you simply can't fake this kind of refinement, taste and acuity.

WHAT'S NEW: So Burn After Reading is good — more admirable than likable, really, with the Coen brothers returning to their parched well of overmatched dolts in possession of objects way beyond their ken. This time it's Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand attempting to blackmail a CIA analyst (a bracingly potty-mouthed John Malkovich) whose "memoirs" they've found lying on their gym's floor; Tilda Swinton and George Clooney join in as awkward archetypes of paranoia and aloof, striving America. If we sound glib, that's Burn for you — a plot- and style-allergic screwball comedy that succeeds primarily as an almost-clean break (even Pitt's character is ultimately a red herring) from two decades of recycled Coen tropes.

Brad Pitt Successfuly Evacuated From Secure, Non-Burning Toronto Landmark

It wasn't just the Lumenick/Ebert skirmish that took nearly a week to reach the states via specially trained Canadian gossip pigeons. Now we're learning more about the fire that threatened Burn After Reading co-star Brad Pitt at his hotel in Toronto — or perhaps "threatened" is too strong a word. Maybe "damaged an adjacent complex while Pitt's security detail freaked the fuck out" might be a little more on point, according to a report:

As Brad was leaving for the premiere on Sept. 5, a fire broke out at the condo complex next to the Park Hyatt, the hotel where Brad was staying, prompting authorities to evacuate the entire condo complex causing an evacuation of the entire condo complex next door.